Thursday, August 2, 2007

The View from Inside bondage.com: Learning it the Hard Way (a naughty slave’s dream)

If you are a misbehaving submissive, then learning things the hard way makes your submission all the better. But, of course, thatт??s only when you are playing. When it comes down to the nitty-gritty of most things, people would rather put aside the difficulties and make things happen as quickly and easily as possible. Unfortunately, it doesnт??t go that way for most people and making mistakes becomes one of the most important learning techniques. Such is the life of bondage.com. Thatт??s not to say that we donт??t do certain things intentionally т?? weт??re not into the "trial and error" lifestyle, but all the same, nothing is as easy as you first think.

Speaking of learning it the hard way, recently we attempted to launch the first bondage.com sponsored BDSM-Net slave auction. While our intentions were good, we made some mistakes that we shouldnт??t have. Foremost was trying too hard to make the event rigid in its rules, too limited in as much that we would judge submissions, and too small because we were limiting the event to a select number of auction items (the slaves) and auction participants (the Doms).

Compassion and fairness are key to a healthy BDSM eventт?І Unfortunately, these are too easy to forget sometimes. Of course the main intention of the event was fun. While we tried to keep compassion and fairness in mind, they were not at the top of the list when we first tried to put the event together т?? we were thinking maximum excitement for т??viewersт??. IRC is different, however, itт??s not about "viewers", itт??s about participants -- the participation creates the fun.

These concepts were, thankfully, beaten into me by two wonderful IRC personalities: princess and silkenluv. After hearing what they had to say shortly following the initial launch of the auction, we decided upon a vastly different approach. While we can't discuss the new rules and the new venue at the moment, suffice it to say that weт??ve decided to develop an auction engine and open the event up to many more people with much more relaxed rules and more enjoyment for everyone.

Enough of the hard learned lessons, though. A few weeks ago I had a very interesting letter sent to me. One of our readers wrote describing how he liked to tie himself up. "Now thereт??s an idea," I was thinking. Iт??ve read about self-bondage, but had yet to receive any email concerning it until now. When I spoke of it to the others who work with me, they looked at me and wondered why in the world I hadnт??t bothered trying it yet.

Well, I said I wasnт??t going to talk about learning things the hard way again this time, so I didnт??t try the technique. Although if I did, I would have purchased the "Iт??ve fallen and I canт??t get up device!" It would have been a great story for the person who showed up to rescue meт?І

Take your favorite set of handcuffs, or bonds with locks, and drop the key into a bottle of water. Freeze this water with the key in it (be sure to practice for a little while to find out how long it takes the water to thaw). Take yourself to some fantastic location in your house remembering to bring that frozen bottle with key along with you. Lock yourself up and plead with all your heart that today will be warmer than most because you arenт??t going anywhere until that bottle thaws.

Since my interest in self-bondage has been piqued, please write me about it because Iт??d be happy to share your ideas with everyoneт?І

Back to the basics again, some other things that Iт??ve been speaking of have recently started on the site. One of the best pieces of news is that the original stories section of the site now has new stories in it. While there arenт??t many yet, they will be added on a regular schedule now that we have the procedure down.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Yes, My Lady: Money, Power, & Consensuality - SM Style



I want to share with you something profound and intimate that I now recall while flying to New York City to be the Guest Mistress at L'oeil Cache. Aboard yet another airplane, I reminisce my SM experiences, but on this particular flight, I remember how I came to confront the abuse of monetary power in SM by the submissive who now sits beside me. It was back in 1995 when I faced the torture of a 27-hour flight to China to attend the World Conference on Women. I just happened to be sitting across from this submissive woman who was just waiting to be dominated...or so I thought. In preparation for the Conference, I was to be pondering solutions to women's oppression; so, how better to prepare than to negotiate with this submissive how I was going to tie her down. After flirting for about, hmmm, nine hours, she leaned over and whispered into my ear: "I would like to hire you to dominate me."

I was quite taken-aback because I was not about to dominate this woman for the exchange of money. I attempted to disavow her comment as I winked at her and declared a "whatever" with a wave of my hand. I beckoned her to follow me to the back of the plane. We crawled up the stairs, and I immediately threw her onto a bed. However, before I could restrain her in a web of rope (I just happened to have rope in my pocket!), she threw three one-hundred US dollar bills at me. I froze. I did not know what to do. I did not want to accept money because I was not providing professional services or allowing her to be a client. My energy spent negotiating for nine hours with this woman was personal. Present in her desire and actions was an insidious power dynamic that I found to be nonconsensual and nonerotic. Why did this submissive insist on paying me for something for which I did not require compensation, you ask? I questioned what was behind her need to pay me. Moreover, I disliked and felt extremely uncomfortable at the manner in which she chose to compensate me.

During our negotiation, she confessed to her need to pay for SM; things that I had assumed were involved in her desire of monetary exchange for domination. She conceded to feeling titillated when telling me that she wanted to hire me. Throwing the money at me made her feel powerful. Moreover, the toss was an act to demonstrate her desire to have power over me. It was imperative to her to pay for my time with her. Flinging the cash at me acted as a safeguard, meant to supposedly even out the SM playing field that was so suffuse with unequal, but consensual power exchange.

While I accept money daily as the means for clients to consume my services, I did not consent to this particular submissive's attempt at consumption. Furthermore, when clients consume my services, they do so with respect and do not toss money at me. I have only run into disrespectful behavior toward professional dominance or paying for dominance by personal contacts. This submissive enjoyed nonconsensual power from excluding negotiation and my consent to the monetary exchange. The cash signified her desire to control the scene and me. She used the money as a tool to exercise her power, not my own. By paying for my attention and services, the cash served as a power-equalizer in her mind. She admitted to wanting me to eroticize accepting the money: a sign of her desire to humiliate and control me, tossing the cash was a passive-aggressive attempt at domination.

By the end of my negotiation with this submissive, it was painfully obvious that I should not play with her. I would not continue with our interaction. To do so would consent to accepting the money, her behavior, and her whims at how she wanted me to play with her. I would not allow this or any submissive to hide behind or control me with money. Furthermore, when a submissive consents to a dominant's control and gift of domination, she or he agrees to relinquish control. However, this submissive wanted the facade of consensual power exchange while remaining safeguarded by maintaining control.

Her behavior clearly demonstrated that she did not respect me. Furthermore, the act of tossing the money at me showed that she thought of me as her slut and held no emotional responsibility to me. She sought to put me in a position where it would be difficult for me to say no to her. Overall, her behavior indicated disrespect for my position as a professional dominant and as the dominant in this particular scene. The consensual power exchange that we had been molding for nine hours died at the moment she threw the cash at me as if I were a piece of trash, a plaything.

What started out as an exciting, transgressive engagement ended up as a life lesson on how SM can be manipulated, in this case, with money. After communicating more and having compassion for this submissive, we were both able to confront what was behind her behavior. She was also able to accept the consequences of her behavior and take responsibility. Part of her really desired to submit to me, but as we both learned, part of her needed to manipulate the power dynamic. There is usually something worthy of reflection when submissive chooses to act passive-aggressively toward a dominant. As a personal and professional dominant, I always access whether my bottom or client respects and trusts me and if s/he trusts and respects her/himself in order to feel safe and confident. In order to be responsible to this particular submissive and myself, I chose not to play with her. This decision helped me gain more self-respect and her more respect for herself and me. Had I dominated her, we both would have lost something inside. Furthermore, I know that she would not be by my side today. My courage to say no to this submissive led to responsible communication and the beginning of a strong relationship. Sometimes, the best decision is not to play.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Yes, My Lady: Knowledgeable Tops Lead to Safer BDSM


It is common knowledge that there are more bottoms than tops available in the SM Community. This situation leaves many bottoms looking to few potential play partners to fulfill their fantasies. Of the small amount of tops available, even less may be trustworthy, good people or respectable, trained players.

Under these circumstances, it seems like it is a top's world, where some tops run amok, such as talking down to a bottom simply because the person is a bottom. However, many novice Dominants are attempting to train themselves to be trusting, refined players.

Tops who once only fantasized about dominating someone after reading the Story of O are now learning how to cultivate the dominant within in the world of virtual reality. Recently, when opening my inbox at bondage.com, I learned the breadth of Dommes who are looking for knowledge on how to play.

Weltgdss@bondage.com inquires: "Any hints for a fresh potential domme new to the scene?" Any Domme who is clever enough to give herself the name "Weltgdss" is well on her way! M.Gwen wants to know the "Dos and Don'ts of BDSM."

D.Shulman claims that she doesn't even know where to begin because there is so much information on BDSM. I can remember the day when there was hardly any information available on BDSM one had to learn by simply doing.

Being in the SM scene for over nine years, sometimes I overlook that new Dominants, Switch, and Bottoms need to learn the ropes just as I once did.

Thanks to my column readers for not allowing me to neglect my duty! Below I address some issues vital to everyone who's beginning a new SM relationship or who attends play parties and other events where strangers play together. While this guide is not exhaustive, I do believe that it will prove useful, particularly to some of our new Dominants being born.

1. Get to know the person you want to play with BEFORE you play. Find out what that person's history has been in the SM community.

2. You must take time to get to know the person. A week or two, or a hot e-mail exchange is NOT long enough.

3. Do NOT assume that if you are attending a well-known club or a party organized by reputable players, all the people you meet are trustworthy.

Although the network isn't as reliable as it once was, if you meet a person at an SM party, club, group meeting, or any other SM venue (including IRC and other on-line environments), you should be able to find at least one player who knows this person. Ask them for feedback. There is nothing rude or disrespectful about asking people whether they know another player. Respect that a bottom may ask about you. Encourage this behavior.

4. If you are at a party and do not know the person, but still want to play, I strongly advise that you negotiate the use of a safeword. A safeword is a tool to limit the risk of unintentional harm when playing and is available to both the top and bottom to check-in or stop a particular activity, or the whole scene. Many SM practitioners use the color "red" as a safeword. Here is an example on the use of a safeword: While your Mistress is applying her new rope knots, you notice that she may be cutting off circulation unintentionally. This is not erotic and can cause damage. So, you say, "Mistress, red." She should stop the bondage and communicate with you. If she doesn't respect your needs, you should end the scene and not play with her again.

5. When trying to pick up a stranger at a party, you may want to begin with a question like, "Are you having a good time?" This innocent question can be answered so many ways without either party losing face. Often, though, I get the answer that they would have a better time if they themselves could play.

Then I might ask what kind of scene they are looking for. If I like it, I offer to play. If I don't, I might offer to look for someone else for them.

If you're looking for a long-term or permanent relationship, what Dr. Gloria Brame, Domme and scholar of sexuality, recommends (and implements in her own life) is something she calls "D&S Dating." This is not unlike regular dating, in that you spend time doing real-world things together, however, instead of having vanilla sex you do SM. As often as possible. Dr. Brame gives herself about 3-4 months of D&S Dating before making a commitment to a long-term relationship. She tells a prospective submissive that during the dating stage, he's still free to experiment with other people. He doesn't wear her collar and she doesn't require him to call her Mistress when they're out in public. She still makes most decisions (about where they go and what they do and so on) but it's in a natural context. In other words: he sees her in her street clothes and gets to know her as a complete human being, not just a mysterious creature who exists only to fulfill his fantasies. This cushion of time gives potential partners the opportunity to see one another in a variety of circumstances. If in the course of dating, you discover that, for example, your top or bottom tends to lie or fudge the truth about things; that s/he is generally irresponsible and directionless; that s/he plays games or blows hot and cold a lot; or any other characteristics that you know will ultimately make her/him an incompatible partner, then the dating ends.

The most important thing to remember in your exploration into BDSM is that you are a worthy person. Worthy players earn trust and respect the old-fashioned way: they do trustworthy and respectful things. Through reading, learning, and practicing SM, one not only learns how to fulfill one's desires, but also the way to becoming a better human being.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Yes, My Lady: Protocol for Contacting the Professional Dominant


As a Professional Dominatrix, I speak to over 300 clients (predominantly men) a month. Every one searching for that specific power interplay that resonates within his/her sexuality. I, and My professional sisters, turn away scores of these yearning submissives each day because they misunderstand the very basic concepts of telephone etiquette and session protocol. In light of this, I thought it best to put pen to paper and outline general Dos-and-Don'ts for contacting a Professional Dominant. What makes a client a good one? The first contact sets the foundation for the professional relationship. Professional Dominants as sex workers do not have the luxury of a union, industry standards, legal protection, or a reference guide for clients on proper procedure and behavior. What follows is both for the uncertain novice and the unsuccessful seasoned player who desire to have their play with a Professional Dominatrix be as successful and satisfying as possible.

Study the Dominant's advertisement. Check out if She mentions specialties and if they are compatible with your interests. Vocabulary that the ad might include:

Lifestyle: She plays in Her personal life

D/S: dominance/submission

Fetish: plays with objects of desire

S/M: sadomasochism (pain play)

TT: tit torture (NT: nipple torture)

CBT: cock & ball torture

X D: crossdressing

GS: golden showers

If you don't understand something, ask.

Be clear about why you are calling. Generally, it should be to receive information or to schedule a session. Know what questions are important to have answered. When you telephone, do be extremely polite. This is especially important, as you don't want to offend a person who you are later going to trust with your well being. Moreover, good manners make a slave much more appealing for the Mistress. Do not call for free telephone sex. This may be terribly tantalizing for you, but recognize that Professional Dominas are just that, professional, so respect their time and energy. Furthermore, most professionals can tell (by your breathing and the types of questions you are asking) what you are doing on your end, and with the commonality of Caller ID and *69, it is just not a smart thing to be doing. Secondly, do not expect Her to be in role during your initial communication. This is a time to negotiate about what you will do in the future. Consensual SM means that you talk about your common interests and limits before you ever get to the playroom.

Follow the Domina's lead. She has a lot more experience negotiating on the telephone and will generally lead you through a set of questions and give you a specific set of information. Respect Her routine. Furthermore, do answer Her questions to the best of your ability. She may ask questions that might not seem relevant to you. For instance, She may ask about which Professional Dominants you have seen in the past (this will tell the worldly Dominant about the types of Mistresses you gravitate toward). Don't see this as an invasion of privacy but rather as a way for Her to understand you better. The better She understands you, the finer quality of session you will have. Next, ask questions that are relevant to your meeting. Questions might include: how She likes to addressed, how experienced She is, what Her specialties are, what types of equipment She has, if She is independent or part of an established dungeon, in what vicinity She is located (generally Dominants will not give their exact address the first call), how long She likes Her sessions to last, and what is Her donation.

Respect boundaries. Yes, Tops have limits too. Professional Dominants have their own rules and limits, and most will tell you up front what is the deal. These limits might include no direct sexual contact, no water sports, no nudity, no anal play, and/or no body worship. Don't try to push those limits or test them. Don't agree to one thing and think in the back of your mind you're going get something else. That's not the way it works.

Next, don't be cheap. If the Dominant names a price, consider it printed on a Tiffany's price tag. The worse thing you could do is attempt to talk down the price. It's really rude and makes Me dislike a client. This is not a swap meet. Furthermore, it is generally distasteful to call with less than two hours notice of the time you want to make an appointment. Professional Domination is not McDomme: we do not sit around, all dressed up, waiting for clients to telephone. Most independent professionals take advance appointments only.

Communicate. You have plenty of time to be the shy, silent type with your wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend. When you are with a Professional Dominant, step up to the plate. Do communicate openly and honestly about your desires. This shadowland of sexuality is one of the few places where you might have the chance to play out some of your complex and sacred fantasies. Keep in mind that the clearer a picture you can give a Dominant about who you are, the better chance you have of finding a perfect fit. Furthermore, make known any physical or emotional limitations you might have. Contacts, hemorrhoids, bad back, bad knees, asthma, epilepsy, heart conditions, recent injuries or illnesses are all things She needs to know. Finally, negotiate the use of a safeword. A safeword is sometimes your only responsibility in a scene. Use it to communicate when you have reached a limit.

Lastly, write down the directions to the play-space. It is also a good idea to repeat them back to Her. She does not want to have you knocking on the neighbor's doors by mistake.

There you have it-consider it a client's etiquette guide to contacting a Mistress. Next time you desire to submit to a Professional Domina, make Miss Manners, Martha Stewart, and Me proud. Be sure to check out next column, as I will outline the protocol for a successful session with a Mistress.

Yes, My Lady: Successful Session with the Professional Dominant

Welcome to the final part of the client etiquette guide to Professional Dominance. In My previous column, I addressed some very basic concepts of telephone etiquette for contacting a Professional Dominant. While proper first contact with the Professional Mistress may secure a session with Her, many Professional Dominas deny clients a second session simply because they do not practice or respect proper session protocol. While some Professional Dominants may train uncertain novices or disrespectful seasoned players on how to behave correctly during a session, most Dominas do not train clients on how to consume their services correctly; how to be a good client. In light of this, I see as part of my duty as a Professional Domina and a Columnist for Bondage.com to outline general session protocol for My readers, who are always potential clients! What follows is both for the novice and the ignorant seasoned player who desire to have their play with a Professional Dominatrix be as successful as possible.

Time is money. My submissive's shrink has a new cancellation policy. In addition to the requisite 24 hours' notice, if the therapist cannot fill My sub's time slot, My sub still has to pay for it. Imagine if Professional Dominants could demand the same. Professional Dominants' biggest complaint about clients is their unreliability. If you are not planning to keep an appointment, call and cancel, just as you would do with your favorite restaurant. This is basic consideration for other people's time. If you can afford a session, you can afford a one-minute telephone call to cancel or reschedule.

Be on time with both your confirmation and your appointment. If you are going to be delayed or need to postpone, then let Her know as soon as possible. Even if She is disappointed, She will appreciate your call.

Use discretion in the Professional Dominant's neighborhood. Do not show up at the door in full drag unless She has given you permission to do so. She may live where She works and Her neighbors may not be too keen to have Her business shoved in their faces. It very well may endanger Her livelihood.

Show up in good condition. Have some Gatorade and a light meal before your scene (especially if you are doing bondage or edge play). However, if you have asked the Professional Dominant to suspend you, particularly upside down by your ankles, then it's best not to eat before your session. Do not drink alcohol or do drugs as neither mix well with safe, sane SM. Furthermore, shower before your session. The astute Professional Domina will always notice a clean, fresh smelling client. And, She will appreciate it.

Come mentally prepared. Be ready to submit. I suggest to My clients that they meditate before entering My realm so that they're calm, focused, and centered. A mentally present slave who listens, pays attention, and immediately obeys orders will ultimately be rewarded.

Have the exact amount of agreed upon tribute in cash, ready, and available before the session begins. Do not even attempt to cheat Her by showing up with less than the agreed upon tribute. This is a sure way to be asked to leave and never spoken to again. Plus, it's just plain rude.

Tipping is customary. Professional Dominants share a common belief: The best clients tip. You can apply the 20 percent rule here.

Be respectful of the Professional Dominant's equipment, fetish wear, and space, be it in a dungeon, fantasy room or domestic room. SM equipment and fetish gear are very costly. Undoubtedly, it took Her a long time and a lot of finance to accumulate. If you do accidentally break something, be prepared to replace it.

Do not expect fantasy and reality to be the same. They rarely are. Open yourself up to a new and wonderful experience. Enjoy the unexpected. That is to say, do not get caught up in your cock, if you have one. Realize that the beauty of SM is that it moves on many levels and in many directions: it affects your intellect, your entire body, your heart, your imagination, and is truly multidimensional. Do not limit its magic to your groin.

Finally, let go, trust, and allow the Professional Dominant to be in charge. This is your opportunity to let go of all the roles you maintain in the "real" world and let someone else run the show. It's a lot like going on a roller coaster; you just have to loosen up and allow your mind and body to be taken in all sorts of directions for a set period of time. Your external responsibilities are lifted; you get to interact in very sacred and profound ways. Use this opportunity to explore new and hidden parts of yourself.

Be sure to thank the Professional Dominant after your scene. Tell Her specifically why you are thanking Her, how enjoyable it was for you, and what you really liked. Let this be a time of closure where you give back your appreciation and gratitude for all the energy and attention She gave you during your time together.

I leave you with some food for thought: Business versus romance. Understand that Professional Domination is a business transaction that can be mutually pleasurable, but it's not a date or romantic encounter. Do not ask the Professional Dominant too many personal questions. Moreover, do not say 'I love you.' She does not want to hear that.

In conclusion, respect the Professional Dominant. Just because you are paying for a SM session does not mean that you treat the Professional Dominant any differently than you would any other woman. Show Her respect the way you would show any person respect. Matter of fact, show Her more respect because She's providing something so powerful that clients pay hundreds of dollars to submit to Her and the State attempts to police Her. Providing the services of Professional Dominance is a labor of love. Do the right thing and follow My guide to client etiquette to contacting a Professional Domina and proper session protocol.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Yes, My Lady: The Pretenders

Recently, a member of our bondage.com community wrote to Me with what she thought was a unique problem. Lisa has lived most of her life as what she calls, "a vanilla," and did not even know that a BDSM or Master/slave community existed. However, when Lisa met her fiancA©e, he told her that he was a former Master in such a community. Having no idea what a Master was, Lisa asked her fiancA©e endless questions. At first she was scared of what she saw as a "strange" calling; however, after pondering her fiancA©e's past (admittedly for years), Lisa found herself intrigued by the limitless possibilities that she felt BDSM could open to her. Lisa has always been "submissive" in all manners of her life and felt that SM would be able to give her a better reason to be submissive, and even perfect her desire to be needed and feel like she is serving someone. However, when Lisa brought up to her fiancA©e the idea of BDSM role-playing as a way to get out of the monotony of everyday sex, the so-called former Master vehemently refused to entertain such an idea.

Lisa had thought that since her fiancA©e had at one time supposedly made a name for himself by being a Master that he would have no problem portraying that side of himself again. Boy was Lisa wrong. Poor Lisa feels like she is at a total loss. She has been fretting over her fiancA©e's refusal to role-play for over a year. She wants to know if there is someway that she can help convince him to be dominant for her. Good luck, right.

When I read Lisa's call for help, I could not help but question her relationship to her fiancA©e. Where is the communication and honesty? It seems obvious to Me that Lisa should ask her fiancA©e why he does not want to play. Confront him. Lisa should attempt to engage him; tell him how important she thinks BDSM will be in her life. I, of course, do not know the exact context or content of this particular couple's discussion or relationship, but I wonder how and why Lisa's fiancA©e disclosed his supposed past. What was his purpose in telling her about such a lifestyle, and what did he hope to get out of claiming some hidden past? Was this man really a former Master with a name? Be aware of one who self-anoints oneself with some utterly fabulous title recently plucked from one's royal arse.

Perhaps I am jaded and distrustful after all My years of playing in a large urban setting, but I can't help but believe this fiancA©e to be a fakea€¦a pretender. My guess is that Lisa's fiancA©e created this little fairytale about his romantic, chivalrous past so that he could make her be in awe of hima€¦so that he could hold some power over her. How better to establish superiority and authority over a naA?ve novice (and your future wife) than to act as if you have vast experience that once made you the titan of the SM world. I may be wrong about this particular former fellow Master, but I have seen far too many who boast about their (former) connection to the SM community. Let me put it as bluntly as possible: nine times out of ten, they are con artists. Watch out, Lisa. Get out while you can. You're not married to him yet!

In my experience, the most serious players out there are humble, and not one has retired from SM. Because they respect the titles they have earned, they do not flaunt them or use them to cow clueless newbies. They have friends who vouch for them, leatherfamilies who support them, and traditions that have been recorded (and probably catalogued at the Leather Archives in Chicago).

The next time someone tells you about their anonymous friends, their former title in some unknown Master/slave community, their unverifiable traditions, not to mention their personal relationships with the Tsar, ask them for personal references. Gee, I would have loved to have seen Master fiancA©e's face if after his infamous story about his past Lisa would have just politely responded, "Can you please provide some personal references who can verify your former position as Master in yahda-yahda Master/slave community?" I bet you that Lisa's fiancA©e would have felt the symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome come on immediatelya€¦a quick get-a-way to avoid answering. If a supposedly experienced SM player cannot provide any personal references, please tell him/her to pack up his/her imaginary friends and go home.

Otherwise that "happily ever after" you're hoping for is likely to turn into a truly grim fairytale.

So, where does this leave our friend Lisa? Given that Lisa confided in Me that she does not know anyone in the BDSM community, she is most susceptible to the duplicity of pretenders. Admittedly, it is risky to tell someone that you believe her fiancA©e to be a liar. But if the shoe fits? I suggest that Lisa confront her husband-to-be: ask him for personal references. Verify the personal references if he provides them (Lisa, you can write them to Me and I will help you verify them), and then begin to address why this former Master will not act so Masterly again. If My intuition serves Me rightly, then I think Lisa will be in for a big surprise: a fiancA©e who will have to admit that he fabricated a past so that he could get his partner to think highly of him and be slightly afraid of him and his vast sexual experience.

What may come out of this is two humble novices who desire to learn and play together - or, our friend Lisa may have to head to the highway to find herself a true Master who desires to share with her. Either way, it is up to us to provide community to novices like Lisa so that they will have people to turn to for personal references, support, and honesty.

-- Good luck, Lisa, and do be in touch.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Yes, My Lady: Potency & Allure of the Femme

As She glides into the crowded room, the energy of the room seems to shift undiscernibly. A head turns here, conversation stops there; space and time seem suspended just a bit. You cannot help but notice Her. There's something quietly commanding and charming about Her. This is the mysterious power and intangible effect of the Femme.

We've all had experiences like this. You know Her when you see Her. You are this woman, you want to be this woman, you want to serve this woman or you absolutely detest and fear this woman. She is the Femme.

Some of you've approached me, complimenting on my latex dress or thigh high boots; really wanting to say, "I want to be like you." It isn't in the dress or boots. Unfortunately, many women mistake SM imagery of the sexually dominant woman for the essence of Femme power. Thus, they look for simple explanation on being the empowered dominatrix. Some of you've written: "How can I bring out the Dominant Woman in me?" Many women write to me initially with the idea of learning how to dominate their partners, seeking some series of techniques that'll turn them into tigers in the bedroom. They come seeking the panacea of kink to improve their sex lives, but soon realize that what they've been searching for is how to build the foundation towards actualizing their inner feminine power.

It's no wonder that so many novices desire to hold the allure of a seasoned Femme. Femmes shift energy by our mere presence. We break and heal hearts with a single glance. Poets call us muse and succubus. Some religions have damned us or honored us as Witches. Hollywood of old called us Femme Fatales. I call us Femmes.

The heart of Femme potency is simple, but far from easy or formulaic. It is confidence. When asked what one quality that I believe outstanding dominants have to possess, confidence is essential whether we are talking about accuracy with a whip or not having the need to micromanage a submissive. The art of Femme and the art of domination are opposite sides of the same coin.

It's the confidence that allows the Femme to know that she's a sexual being, fully deserving of pleasure and joy. In turn, it's the confidence to ask without bitterness or fear such pleasures she rightfully deserves. It's the confidence to know that she's an artful culmination of natural beauty and consciously cultivated grace. She is confident and knowing of the effect that she has on others. The alluring Femme knows that she can touch a lover's heart and soul to find strength where there was only despair. She also knows that she can destroy that very same heart and soul beyond repair. Her fire can warm the hearth as well as burn the forest down. This knowledge is the first step towards harnessing the Femme. Those who haven't acknowledged their effects leave a trail of wounded hearts and destroyed lovers. Some women do not accept their feminine power because they fear the responsibility of such potency. Often, low self-worth is responsible for not actualized Femmes denying their gift. We are dealing with a society that both covets and loathes the Femme; thus, every untapped Femme must come to terms with internalized misunderstanding of and fear toward her feminine power.

No instructions on female domination can teach such confidence that leads to the uniquely sexy allure of the Femme. No amount of classes on flogging and bondage techniques can create the powerful Femme. No amount of leather, corset, latex, boots, or other fetish accessory will make a woman sexually self-actualized. These skills and adornments can serve to enhance her. They may even peripherally help her towards greater confidence. The strong foundation of confidence necessary to actualize the alluring Femme can only come from within her. Only after building for herself a strong foundation of Femme power identity and confidence can sexual dominance and Femme allure be truly effective. As I said before, the essence of Femme allure is simple, but certainly not easy.

Take my path toward Femme self-actualization, for example. An underprivileged background, sexism, racism, classism, heterosexism, and low self-worth caused me to both desire and deny my feminine power during my teenage years and early 20s. I both coveted and disrespected the Femmes in my life. As a closeted Femme, I could see and feel the effect I had on people, especially those who were most attracted to me, wherever I journeyed. However, I always denied that I was truly the cause of whatever experience, shift, or power. It's often most difficult to see in ourselves admirable and powerful qualities. Because I, like most women, was discouraged from being self-congratulatory, I never fully developed my own image of power, but felt safer in admiring the power of others. I most admired the power of sexually dominant women, particularly Lifestyle and Professional Dominants. At the heart of their Femme potency was the ability to ask for what they want, get what they want, and get pay for bestowing their gift. As I participated in the SM community and practiced the arts of SM, I began to develop some of the skills and adornments that would help serve to enhance my confidence. However, it was only working as a Professional Dominant that pushed me over the edge toward actualizing my alluring Femme. The daily practice of Professional Dominance led to greater confidence and forced me to accept my power and my Femme identity. I have taken years to build a strong foundation of Femme power identity and confidence. Without this experience, my dominance, presence, and power would never be truly effective. Today, I enter my sessions and private scenes with confidence that I'm going to make magic.

Check back for next column when I interview a man who consumes Professional Domination because it's one of the only spaces in our society where he can hope to experience, and finally acquire, the allure and potency of Femme.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Yes, My Lady: The Disproportionate Fear of SM

At the heart of SM is the most precious sense of vulnerability, intimacy, power, pleasure, and eroticism, commingled together and to which all Players react. What creates this fantastic blend of emotions and dynamism? It is We. We are divine and hold great potential to enact those things in life that create. It's SM players who not only recognize and embrace our divinity, but also seize our potential to create the most dynamic interpersonal power and relationships. What some novices fear most about SM is that SM makes present their power, potential, and finally, responsibility toward others -- something that our culture seeks to disallow on a daily basis.



A woman holds her back to the passengers as she leans close to a man in the back, left-hand corner of the airport elevator. She is tall, domineering, dressed in a classic-tailored dress suit and the man is short, centered, and stares forward. The energy around them is potent. None of passengers knows what exactly is going on between the two in the corner…but a dynamic energy flows from her to him. She whispers in his ear, the effect being his face reddens, and droplets of sweat begin to slide down his face. The other passengers begin to shift; a sign of their discomfort and an avowal of Her power, grace, and responsibility. I simply envy him because I want Her to whisper to me because She changes life in a space by merely whispering.



I enjoy playing with power.



I don't enjoy playing with power.



SM play turns me on.



SM play disturbs me.



I understand it.



I am baffled by it.



You'd think that after all these years of playing, I'd know SM inside out. Well, I do and I don't. In my earlier days of SM play, something in me was stirred by the play, in both good and bad ways, yet I wasn't able to sort out any of it. I lacked the insight and semantics to do so. I would grill my friends endlessly to try to come to some peace within me; some comprehension of what in some aspects seemed like repulsive behavior. They would tire of my examination before I could ever get any sense of satisfaction. Today, I find many novices to SM who are experiencing what I went through some ten years ago when I first began to admit that I needed the power exchange, pain, pleasure, fear, and intimacy that SM play enabled.



Many of my new clients attempt to set aside their troubled confusion at what SM does to and for them and go on with their lives. However, most of them submit to their desire for SM and eventually, they make their way back to my dungeon. They never are able to suppress their desire for SM. What scrutiny remains is why some novices wish to deny that they need SM.



As I researched SM, what emerged were the overwhelming prevalence of fascination and fantasy with SM and a stunning paucity of relevant discussion on the nature of it. There are hundreds of porn books, stories, and Internet sites, yet even in the most respected SM information sources the discussion of why some of us spend our lives attempting to deny our need for SM is at best brief. None are able to tell why SM is such a turn-on and why it is such a threat. None are able to tell why some aspects of SM turn me on, but others do not -- why some aspects I need and others threaten me.



At the core of SM, it's about eroticizing power, power disparity, vulnerability, intimacy, fear, passion, social discomfort, pain, domination, submission, and uncomfortable emotions. In order for this power dynamic to exist, there must be some internalized standard of behavior or a code of conduct, if you will. This code of conduct is based on socially defined sense of honor, prestige, self-esteem, reciprocity, and caste placement. We act out what we perceive is appropriate behavior based on our place in the world, a delicate combination of external cues and internalized values. When there's a discrepancy in one of these as we purposefully create a discrepancy in order to perform certain roles in SM, like Top and bottom, we experience what is at the core of SM.



This is all fine and dandy. However, what is so powerful about SM that some people would spend more time denying their desire instead of playing? There are as many reasons as there are players. A major generalization, however, does seem to emerge.



SM play functions as the ritualization or emphasis of power disparity of the roles taken by the players. SM establishes, enforces, or emphasizes power differential. In this space of power differential, the players act out social taboos. For some, they want to enjoy socially taboo activities, yet may still find that desire itself threatening, such as a man wearing women's panties, but they need another to push them over their own inhibition just for that moment. The person who pushes them over their own inhibition witnesses what this person fears most in themselves and society. Both players are responsible for facing and challenging who they are, what values they hold true, and why they hold these values to be true. While SM seems to function as a temporary relief from being a responsible adult in this world, it really throws responsibility right into your face.



Most of us experience fear toward SM because we face that we want what only SM enables. We sense that we need it and the desire feels so overwhelming, as if it is going to devour us. SM is scary and threatening because it is so important. So disproportionate the fear is in some of people that they spend their lives trying to deny that need SM instead of allowing themselves to embrace it.



SM, the desire for and disavow of, is a complex topic with great potential for pleasure, personal insight, and exploration -- one I intend to keep investigating.

Yes, My Lady: La Dama Domina: an Introduction

Welcome to My column and the newest addition to the bondage.com website. I am Domina Lady, a well known and respected Lifestyle and Professional Dominant, residing in San Francisco, California, USA. I am a skilled SM artist and sexually dominant woman who is plainly passionate about BDSM and fetish. I will be visiting with you, the bondage.com community, on a biweekly basis to share My private life and experiences as a Professional Domina and to discuss BDSM from a Professional Domina's perspective.



What makes this column unique from the other columns at bondage.com? Pace provides the updates and on-goings at bondage.com. Aiken, the world affairs from a BDSM perspective - and silkenluv, she offers information on BDSM from her own unique perspective as a submissive. I bestow the inner workings of Professional Dominance and the private life of a real Domina. There is a voyeuristic fascination with what lies behind the leather curtain - the private life of the Dominatrix. We seem to be an outlandish, taboo, reserved bunch. I am one in a shadow industry, only mentioned in fiction, the media, and whispers. Yet, through My craft I contribute toward changing lives by facilitating deeper self-understanding. How does tying people up and beating on them produce this, you ask? By providing a space of freedom where clients are free to be the person that society shames them for being. SM and the Professional Domina can provide an often-profound experience. Many clients share with Me their closely held secrets and passions. It also takes courage, trust, and vulnerability to come and submit to Me. These are all traits that I hope to inspire in people. It is through relating with Me and submitting to Me that clients are able to discuss their desires, fantasies, and fears in a compassionate space, which only leads to self-examination and personal growth.



In this column, I will cover a gambit of content that I believe will hearten self-examination, education, and joy: from actual accounts of My professional sessions that cover what type of behavior I and other real Dominants reward to exclusive interviews with other Professional Dominants, Switches, submissives...and even clients. You can look forward to reviews and accounts of BDSM classes, fetish events, and play parties. I will also provide instructions on "How-to" engage in certain BDSM acts from a Professional Dominant's perspective, how to use certain types of equipment, and how to find a professional Dominant that is right for you.



Occasionally, I will elicit questions from you to which I will answer in My column. What kind of questions do I wish to receive via e-mail from you? Questions about Me, Professional Dominance, BDSM, a particular type of play, toy, equipment, and/or ideology. I also desire that you interact with Me and make suggestions on content. What do you desire to learn from and read about a Professional Domina? I will appreciate messages that offer suggestions that are related to Me, Professional Dominance, and/or BDSM from a professional perspective. I have already chatted with some of you in the bondage.com community, in the BDSM-net hosted by bondage.com in conjunction with Handcuff.com, and many of you have kindly asked for me to cover a variety of BDSM issues, such as safety, toy use, real life experiences, legalities, the lifestyle, and the non-obvious sides to BDSM. I thank you for this input, as this column is much like a SM scene: it takes both parties to make it work. Your contribution as one who provides suggestions on content is imperative...Domina Lady says so! Thus, this column will only be as interesting and informative as we both make it.



Overall, the life force behind My column is, indeed, Me...about Me. My profession has placed Me in the role of being an emotional and sexual trail guide. I am a very unique, special Domina and member of the SM community. I hold a graduate degree from a New England university and have traveled worldwide for pleasure and erudition. I have even been caught by a crewmember in the middle of a scene when on a twenty-one hour flight to Beijing, China. More to come on that later! How did I become a Professional Dominant, you ask? After playing both privately and publicly for several years, I began to ponder Professional Dominance because so many of the women whom I respect in the SM community are Professional Dominas. While I sat on the board as the Archivist of the oldest and largest BDSM women's organization, the membership was notoriously professional. I have spent much love and labor theorizing and writing about sexuality, BDSM, power, sexual minorities, and the sex industry as an academic scholar. I had even worked as a Labor Organizer, organizing the only sex workers' union in the country. Thus, My passion for scholarship and organizing has always gravitated toward sex work, sex workers, and sexual "deviants." Professional Dominance seemed to be one of My many callings.



While coming to Professional Dominance was highly a brain activity, I would be lying if I denied the physical attraction to My profession. I am a highly predatory Top who has always desired to learn anything and everything that I can about BDSM. Professional Dominance has allowed Me to learn more about BDSM than all My years as a Lifestyle player. Lastly, Professional Dominance is a highly physical activity for Me: I need the sweat, the organization, to employ My skills, and the journey to that edge we call BDSM.



Welcome to Yes, My Lady, I look forward to interacting with you on a biweekly basis. Best to you and great pain.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Yes, My Lady: The Submissive Male: Interview with Client Tom

Client Tom has served many Professional Dominants during his tenure of 20 years as a client. He's been tied up, shoved down, whipped, caned, shaved, pierced, cross-dressed, pissed on, walked on, and made to crawl and kiss feet until his knees and tongue became sore and dry. During the following interview, Client Tom shares why he pays a Professional Dominant to do what She wants to do.



How did you get started hiring a Professional Dominant?



In my twenties, I started exploring what I wanted to do sexually. The thought of doing things that I didn't necessarily want to do for a beautiful, dominant woman ignited a passion in me beyond my control. However, I didn't feel in control of my sexuality. I set out to explore different SM events, fetish parties, and organizations. I even dated a number of dominant women. However, when I met my wife, we just connected in a way that I never have with another woman. I knew that she would be my life partner. So, I attempted to ignore my submissive side--but I couldn't for very long. I would sometimes dress in my wife's underclothing. Every time a dominant woman interacted with me, I would just melt at the knees. I walked around feeling as if I deserved to be punished. Finally, one day I picked up the local sex-industry magazine. I telephoned the first advertisement for BDSM that I saw.



Why won't your wife dominate you? Have you talked to her about it?



I tried to talk to her. Well, one time I told her that I wanted her spank me, but she acted as if I was just kidding and she laughed it off. I was too embarrassed to tell her otherwise. It took me a long time to finally ask her to do something to me, and it didn't go as I wanted. I was afraid of what she would think of me.



But isn't your wife with whom you should be sharing your vulnerable side?



When I married my wife, I knew that she wouldn't agree with my fantasies or desires. I married her for other reasons. I don't need to be sharing this side of me with her. Furthermore, my wife expects me to be "the man" in the relationship. What I mean by this is that she expects me to be in control. She wouldn't respect me if she knew I am submissive. It would make her feel too vulnerable, upset, you know.



Some of our readers may dislike that you don't share this intimate part of you with your life partner. Some may wonder how could you live with yourself not being who you "really" are with your wife. What is your response?



Well, sometimes I do feel bad, guilty, you know. But the truth is that being submissive is more than just a fix that I can just do and get over. Submission is something that I need. I tried for years to deny my feelings and desires. I notice that I'm actually a happier, better person since I've been serving Pro-Dommes. I'm a better husband: I am centered and fulfilling my needs helps me fulfill my wife's needs.



Why go to a Pro-Domme? Why not submit to a lifestyle dominant woman, like a member of an SM organization?



Oh, my. [laughs] The thought of maintaining a relationship with another woman behind my wife's back just brings the ulcer on! I strictly desire to submit, to do SM, and then move on. I don't want to be in relationship with another woman. I don't want or need to be submissive all the time. With the Professional Dominant, I can tell Her exactly what I want and do not want, and have my needs met. I pay for a service, for a certain amount of time with a beautiful, dominant woman, in a contained environment. We leave what I do in that room.



A change in subject here, in reference to My column from July 28, 2000 "Potency & Allure of the Femme", what attracts you to the Femme Domme?



Well, at a basic level, I get to be in the presence of a woman in make-up, high heels, and tight fitting clothing, paying attention strictly to me. And I am an over-weight, balding, middle-aged man, and I don't get attention from beautiful women...well, from any women much anymore. I find the Femme extremely powerful, stimulating, sexy, hot. I want her to tell me what to do...to dominate me. I find that the Femme Domme is able to do deep psychological domination, she is sophisticated and knowledgeable about human behavior, interpersonal relations, and erotic power dynamics.



Do you wish you could be like the Femme?



Sometimes I fantasize about dressing up in women's clothing, having my Mistress force me to do it. I like Her subtle and commanding power. The Femme Domme makes you want to please Her. So, yes, sometimes I am envious of the Femme. She gets to feel sexy and her femininity. Men don't often have a chance to feel their feminine side. Men who are submissive seek Pro-Domme services because we already know something about what brings us to our knees for the Femme-Domme, and about the grace and joy and great relief we can experience in Her company; when we visit we are scared, eager, hopeful, and thrilled, and we regard it as great good fortune that we are able to spend time with Her.



You know whom you represent. Look at what you call yourselves: Lady, Mistress, Goddess, Madame, Queen of All the Heavens, it is you we've come to be with, it's your presence and attention we entreat. We revel in your power. I have continued to go back to Pro-Dommes for over twenty years because I love seeing what you all can do with your power.



I want to thank Client Tom for answering My questions and responding so vibrantly to My inquiry. I finally want to thank My readers who encourage such a dialogue and desire to learn more about Professional BDSM.

Yes, My Lady: How To Introduce Your Girlfriend or Wife To Female Domination

Submissives, why just dream about serving a dominant female, when you may be already in a relationship with one? Many women just don't realize that they can be dominant, because they have been held down by a male dominant society. Every woman has a hidden female power that if released, will cause her to be a bold, confident, dominant woman.



Therefore, if you are a submissive who is in a serious relationship with a woman, you need to search no further for your Dominatrix. She is right in front of you. The challenge for you is to draw out her dominant nature with your submissive nature. The women that have unleashed their dominant female power have men and women begging to serve them. If you don't believe me, check out how many professional Domina ads there currently are on the Internet.



In order for you to draw out your partner's dominant nature, you must seduce your partner with your submission. Don't show your partner material about D&S, B&D, and S&M, and expect her to be enthusiastic about it. She will probably think that these activities are strange and might even think that you're strange. However, if you seduce her dominant nature and draw it out of her, once it starts to come to the forefront, then you can introduce her to some D&S, B&D, and S&M activities. So, how do you seduce your partner's dominant nature with your submissive nature?



You begin by treating her like a Queen. You begin by serving her as if she was already the dominant woman of your dreams. Be humble and submissive around her. Don't argue with her, don't yell at her, and don't give her any back talk. Your purpose in your relationship is to serve her. What she says goes, so be quick to agree with her.



Another thing that you can do to seduce your partner's dominant nature is to offer to give her foot and body massages. When she gets home from a hard day's work, don't sit and watch television and ignore her. A submissive exists to tend to the dominant's needs. Go and kneel next to her, take off her shoes, and rub her tired feet. As she relaxes in pleasure, work your massage up her legs and massage, and lightly scratch her legs. Do this on a consistent basis. While you are doing this, tell her that you love and adore her. Tell her that you exist to serve her.



Eventually, you might take more liberty as you rub her feet. You might start to kiss and lick her feet. I wouldn't do this the first time, but if she responds positively to the massages, then keep adding to them. You might work your kissing and licking from her feet, up her legs, and then to her crotch. That's right, get in the habit of orally servicing your partner. Kiss her body all over and make love to her with your mouth and tongue. Do not ever penetrate her with your dildo or penis, unless she requests it. Do not focus on your needs, but instead focus on her needs. Please her sexually as your Queen. Don't you dare ever take any liberties, without her permission.



The goal is to get both you and her in the habit of viewing sex as being for the Dominant's pleasure. It will be for your pleasure only if she says so. Which brings up another way that you can seduce her dominant nature: whenever she give you permission to enter her or whenever she is giving you pleasure, always ask her permission before you climax. She will again probably be amazed that you are even asking, but eventually she will come to really like the idea that she controls your orgasms.



All of these "little" things will seduce her dominant nature and it will cause her to grow more dominant. Whenever she asks you why you're treating her so good, tell her it's because you love her and because you've come to realize that you're submissive and want to be submissive toward her. Tell her that she's your Queen and that you exist to serve her. Now be careful here and don't over do it. Tell her your feelings about how you want to serve her, then leave it at that. She might ask you what has made you to feel this way, and if she does, it presents you with a real opportunity.



Tell her that you have had submissive feelings toward her for sometime, but that you were afraid to express them before. Then tell her that you have been reading a lot on the Internet about Female Domination and that it has touched a chord within you. Again, let her know your feelings but don't over do it. Do not bring up B&D, S&M, D&S at this time.



When do you bring up D&S, B&D, and S&M? When she starts to respond positively to your submission and she starts to ask you more about Female Domination. Then you can begin to introduce her to this lifestyle. You could buy her an introductory book like The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green. She will begin to understand that you desire to serve her.



From this point on, slowly introduce her to D&S, S&M, and B&D. Buy her some fetish clothes, and maybe a leather paddle or a whip. Again, only move at her pace. If you sense that she is starting to become negative, then back off the D&S activities and re-focus on just serving her. Not every woman will react the same and not every woman will grow at the same pace. However, I believe that if you are persistent and consistent, than your partner will eventually overcome her inhibitions and she'll allow her dominant nature to freely flow out of her. Then she will totally seize the reigns of your relationship and she'll fulfill her potential as a dominant woman. Good Luck.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Yes, My Lady: SM or Abuse?

In this column, we face insidious abuse that attempts to pass as SM. It's my duty to teach the difference between SM and abuse and to reach out to players who have a hard time knowing the difference. However, after all the education of SM to ignorant audiences, we must begin to address why some players, particularly submissives, remain ignorant or in denial, and to question just who's responsible.



A self-identified submissive recently came to me seeking advice whether she was being abused or just in a SM relationship. She spoke of a compelling man with whom she, at the age of seventeen, ran away after only knowing for three days.



Supposedly, this man began "training" her, without her consent or knowledge within the six months that they have lived together. Her living situation with this "Master" is that she pays more rent than him, must clean the apartment daily, may not speak to any friends except when he's present, and may only eat rice and pasta on some days. Her Master abuses her if her body shows any blemishes or if he decides that she is fat.



This "Master" threatens to leave her or forcibly sodomize her for any minor discrepancy. Apparently, he claims that he has a "sodomy fetish," while scarring her inside by inserting barely lubricated carrots, deodorant cans, and other implements, which have, at times, cut her.



This submissive wants to know: "Is this behavior truly BDSM as practiced by the general community, or is she 'simply' being tortured?"



Safe, Sane, and Consensual



The credo safe, sane, and consensual was developed in SM communities to encourage standards of play for our own protection and pleasure. Each individual must determine what is safe, sane, and consensual for her/himself. If someone else is deciding that for you - then it is not safe, sane, and certainly not consensual. If an individual psychologically or physically oppresses you, then you're incapable of making informed consent. However, if you examine your own feelings, your own motivations, and most importantly, your own desires, then you're capable of making a choice of whether an activity is safe, sane, and consensual for you.



Safe -



Safe is as basic as you have to protect yourself. You should never engage in intimate activity with someone you don't trust. Before you can achieve mutual trust, you must have communication - a free exchange of opinions and beliefs as to what's desired and what's not desired.



Sane -



Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality. The things you read in books and in chatrooms are fantasy, and fantasy is often extreme. The issue here is consenting adults engaging in sex play, and even if the terms "slave" and "dungeon" are used, the context is understood.



Consensual -



The type and parameters of control are agreed upon in each scene, and the people involved agree to be in that particular situation. Even in dominance and submission, equality is maintained between the partners because the person being stimulated has the ultimate say in what happens to them; s/he has veto power.



Veto power is maintained through what is known as a safeword - a designated word that signals the scene must slow down or stop immediately. You have to remember that we're talking about are sexual games, with a beginning, middle and end, guided by rules and governed by everyone involved.



The Difference Between S/M and Abuse



*There is a difference between being submissive and being subordinate.



*SM is not abuse. Therapist Guy Baldwin provides some criteria to help differentiation SM from abuse, since this is a common area of confusion:



"With abuse, only the abuser has power. In s/m fetish behavior, both participants have power. Abuse is non-consensual and coercive; s/m behavior is consensual by definition. With abuse, recipients don't invite it; in s/m behavior, the recipient of the stimuli usually invites it. With abuse, neither party feels good afterward; with s/m, both parties feel good afterward, when the experience goes smoothly. With abuse, the receiver never looks forward to more. With s/m, all parties look forward to more. With abuse, the recipient generally can't stop the action; in s/m, the receiver can almost always stop the action or influence its pace and intensity. Abuse is surrounded in secrecy and isolation. Within the s/m world, the behaviors are usually open and above-board. With abuse both the abuser and abused are usually ashamed of the activity and hide the result. With s/m, people are often proud of the results and will show them off to others who are in the know about it...with abuse, the injuries, if any, are unwanted. In s/m behavior, injuries, if any, are incidental to pleasure - just as in non-s/m sexuality. With abuse, the recipient never quite knows when it is going to happen. With s/m fetish sexual behavior, the participants almost always know. With abuse, it is not usually erotic for either. With s/m, it is often erotic for both." (Baldwin, 1998)



Clearly, this submissive isn't practicing SM. She's being abused. This "Master" has made all the decisions about what would be done to her. There's no communication or consent. The submissive has no safeword to end the acts. The submissive is made to hide the abuse by not being allowed to speak to any friends without him present. And, finally, his threats of leaving and forcible sodomy, are extremely unhealthy, dangerous acts -- not sane or safe ones.



The fact that this submissive shared this information with me demonstrates that she does know deep inside that she's being abused -- yet, she fears accepting that knowledge, and perhaps, needs validation. To accept that she's being abused would mean that if she chooses to stay in the relationship, she would have to hold herself as partially responsible for continuing the abuse. It takes both an abuser and a victim to make abuse, just as it takes both a Top and a bottom to make SM. Practicing SM always is knowing that not too far away is the potential for abuse. It takes mature, responsible people to practice SM, to not cross that line and still call it SM.

Yes, My Lady: Flaming Blazing Blue

Please use caution when with playing with fire. These are meant as helpful hints about using fire as a toy. Please use this advice at your own risk. If you are inexperienced, please ask a professional before trying this yourself.



--Editor, bondage.com



How better than spend Queer & Leather Pride this summer by flaming. Us perverts are known for our flamboyant flaming ability, especially when we set fire to each other in SM play. Fire is hot; it's the embodiment of passion and power with a life of its own. Fire is one of human being's most significant discoveries and is adapted for use in SM play. It must be treated with absolute respect.



SM fireplay creates a sense of danger and excitement. The bottom feels empowered by enduring the danger or pain, and the Top feels empowered by controlling the flames. Fire sexual games include the use of chemicals, 'frying' genitals in hot oil, hot wax, okyu, peau flambé, fire dancing, fire walking, cigarette burns, throwing matches onto pubic hair, and flagellation (tapping) with torches. Although I could cover this whole array of fireplay, I choose to honor the blazing-blue for this column because it's one of the most aesthetically beautiful forms of SM play.



Blazing-blue or peau flambé is practiced in several ways. One method is putting flammable liquid on skin, lighting it, and allowing it to burn-bright, blue, and briefly. All you need are some household items, common sense, and the following suggestions. As with any other intense activity, I recommend trying this on yourself before sharing your burning desire. Also, please read the instructions several times before starting, and practice on skinless chicken breasts before trying the real thing. You are playing with fire here!



Assemble Your Ingredients. You'll need a fairly large bowl of water, isopropyl alcohol, squirt bottles for alcohol and water (I prefer to use a squirt bottle for applying alcohol to cotton balls; you can also loosen the lid a little, using the bottle as a dispenser), cotton balls, and an incendiary device that can be used with one hand [Note: matches and candles should be avoided because they take two hands. Also, avoid refillable lighters of all types. They use naphtha or butane-both extremely flammable-and make for potential mini-bombs in the presence of open flame. Bic-type lighters work well; the trigger-handled ones are easier to control. They also keep the flamer's hand (which might just have some residual alcohol on it) away from the source of ignition]. You'll also need clean towels and cloths, both wet and dry, and a fire extinguisher (this isn't necessary, but you might as well).



Prepare Your Tender Tinder. Burning hair smells... interesting. If you savor that scent, don't shave the bottom. Razor burn doesn't count as fireplay; but it does count as open skin. Open skin means bodily fluids are present, which mandates protection. Besides, have you ever put alcohol in an open wound (on yourself and on purpose, anyway?) If the bottom is prone to shaving reactions, use a depilatory cream to get her fur-free. Make certain to remove all of the cream with soap and water. A nice warm shower or bath makes for thorough cleanliness and a soothing, intimate transition from denuding your darling to getting down to business. While she's naked and wet, check for any open skin, cuts, scratches, abrasions, or bruises; those areas shouldn't be burned.



Prepare Fire Protection. Use rolled wet towels as firewalls, protecting hands, feet, face, and any other nonsmoking area. Cunts and ass cheeks are fun to play with because they're so sensitive, but take extra care to extinguish quickly, especially where there are folds of skin. As long as you avoid open skin, it's okay to flame over tattoos. Avoid piercings; the metal may heat up and cause invisible but serious burns. Bellies, breasts, and backs? Sublime.



Think Fast. Get ready to act swiftly; alcohol evaporates fast. You have to follow all the steps below: apply the alcohol, wipe any excess off of your hand, grab a lighter, torch your pyrophile, and extinguish her flaming flesh-all within a matter of seconds. Practice makes perfect; as mentioned above, hone your technique on some skinless chicken breasts. Put alcohol on a cotton ball. It should be saturated, not dripping. Use it to draw a line on the bottoms body. Start small and work up. The more intricate the design, the harder to control the flame. You'll know when there's enough on her; it should look shiny-wet, not dripping. Use a damp cloth to erase any alcohol that went outside the lines and wipe your own hand quickly with a clean rag to remove any residual fuel. Light from the bottom of the design, and watch the flame run, or light it towards center and watch her come alight. Either way, the flame should only be allowed to burn for an instant. To cease the sizzle, follow the flame with your hand or damp cloth, putting the fire out well before it can do damage. Eliminate fire hazards by immediately putting all waste in a can with some water in it.



Cool Down. Ice cubes on freshly flame-kissed skin produce a delectably intense sensation. So will a mist of cool water, to a lesser degree. Try putting on some more alcohol, but don't light it. Anything that has an effect on skin-minty stuff, warming lotions, astringents-will produce fascinating results. These should not be ignited! Wrap her in something warm and cozy. Despite recent flames, she may have a chill from the evaporated alcohol and/or endorphin crash. Keep her warm, and give her water.



Safety Tips. Never use cigarettes, aerosol propellants, oils, or booze; they burn too hot and are hard to control. Repeated burns in the same area can result in serious injury, from blisters to third-degree burns. Aloe Vera gel is good for minor burns. For anything more serious, such as redness or inflammation that doesn't fade or gets worse within 24 hours, blisters, or skin that oozes fluid of any type, see a physician. Severe burns require immediate medical attention. If you're wondering if you need medical attention, you probably do.



So, there you have it folks! Flame away, be proud, and Happy Pride.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Yes, My Lady: The De-Communization of Leather

When I was seven years old, My brother and I were wrestling at the top of the stairs in our house. In a cheap move to win the match, he pushed me down the stairs! I was in so much pain from the tumble that I couldn't move...and I began laughing hysterically. The laughter eventually led to Me losing bladder control and I let loose all over the carpeted stairs. The warm stream flowed down My crotch, up My back to the nape of My neck. I never felt so alive, manic, and elated in My life. To this day, I still revel in the memory of My mother screaming at Me to stop peeing and to get up while I just lay there peeing and laughing. However, it wasn't until twelve years later when someone poured My urine onto My torso that I realized My love for Golden showers, one type of Watersport, started on that very day at the bottom of the stairs.



Golden showers is a slang term for the practice of passing bladder fluid in order to enhance intimacy, to punish, to reward, or to humiliate in a DS scene. Watersports is a term used in SM to describe the passing and drinking of body fluids such as blood (menstruation and bodily), perspiration, semen, vomit, milk (lactation), urine, pussy-juice/ejaculation, spit, and enema contents. Many of the activities described later involve, in the parlance of health officials, "exchange of bodily fluids." If one of the partners is infected with a sexually transmitted disease, then the other is at risk for infection consequently.



Semen showers are the most common and certainly the most accepted. These are done between the breasts/chest, abdomen, buttocks, or on the face. Some are 'forced' to ejaculate on their own face as a form of humiliation in a SM scene. Milk showers consist of a lactating woman squeezing her milk onto a partner, a non-lactating partner using commercial milk to run over their own breasts, or someone pouring it onto the partner. Spitting is done in SM scenes involving degradation, punishment, or reward. Golden showers are sprayed on the face, body, genitals, or mouth of a partner. Some consider this a form of humiliation but others love the warm sensation, closeness, and trust it provides. Brown showers refer to partners who defecate on one another. This may also be done using enemas, some of which may consist of diluted wine. The Roman shower is of vomit and is considered the rarest form of Watersport. In such cases people typically drink wine or urine and then vomit these contents onto a partner.



Toilet training is the term used for submissives learning the art of Brown and Golden showers. The toilet slave may be made to lick a toilet clean, lie on her/his back as the Top squats above her/his face, or to lick clean the genitals of the Top after S/He relieves Her/Himself. A bottom who has a strong desire to be a toilet slave, but who's not yet accustomed to consuming human wastes, is often started with a substitute such as warm beer. These are inserted into the vagina or anus of the Top and the bottom learns to consume these substitutes before graduating to real secretions.



Have you never imagined what it would be like to feel your partner's urine, spit, blood, or vomit splashing against your skin? Next time you're alone in the shower, go ahead and pee, but hold your hand in the stream. Revel in how warm and touchable it really is. Feel the gentle insistence of the stream splashing against your skin. And remember, everything in urine is water-soluble and washes completely away as soon as the shower water flows over it. If the smell bothers you, try having a big drink about an hour before you shower. Also, while you are in the shower, try spitting on yourself, or perhaps rubbing your menses on your body. Try to experience just the sensation without judging it. Next, accept what emotions come up when performing these Watersports.



Now, ask your lover to pee on you in the shower. Ask to hold your hand in your lover's stream. When you are comfortable doing this, try the same exercises but with the shower turned off. As soon as you're done, turn the water on and wash off. When you are comfortable accepting your lover's stream, try lying in the shower or bath between your lover's legs and let her/him pee on your tummy or genitals. Some folks experience a nearly instantaneous orgasm the first time they feel their lover's stream on their genitals.



At this point, you may think you could be completely uninhibited with the thought of peeing with lover, but you don't think you could ever persuade your lover to participate in the D&S of Watersports. How do you broach the topic?



I can only tell you what worked for My bottom. Pick an intimate but relaxed moment. Encourage talk about fantasies and taboo desires. Try to get your lover to reveal one of his/her own secret fantasies. Share your desire to accept the fluids of your lover. Explain how and why it excites or humiliates you...and your desire to serve her/him. If you are a Top who wishes to pee, spit, vomit, or defecate on your lover, do admit the power you gain from this power exchange. Most importantly, embrace your spirit to explore sexually. You're only on this earth once...let it flow.



Finally, there must be an intangible "X" factor present between the people playing Watersports which enables the bottom to not only worship, love, and adore her/his Top, but to worship, love, and adore the Top's bodily fluids. The bottom must glory in, and make love to, the secretions of the Top. The bottom must desire the fluids of the Top above all else, knowing that because in a very real sense ingesting or accepting the passing of the Top's fluids is the ultimate act of degradation, it therefore becomes the ultimate act of love, giving the Top ultimate feelings of pleasure and power.

Yes, My Lady: The Fluid Side of SM

When I was seven years old, My brother and I were wrestling at the top of the stairs in our house. In a cheap move to win the match, he pushed me down the stairs! I was in so much pain from the tumble that I couldn't move...and I began laughing hysterically. The laughter eventually led to Me losing bladder control and I let loose all over the carpeted stairs. The warm stream flowed down My crotch, up My back to the nape of My neck. I never felt so alive, manic, and elated in My life. To this day, I still revel in the memory of My mother screaming at Me to stop peeing and to get up while I just lay there peeing and laughing. However, it wasn't until twelve years later when someone poured My urine onto My torso that I realized My love for Golden showers, one type of Watersport, started on that very day at the bottom of the stairs.



Golden showers is a slang term for the practice of passing bladder fluid in order to enhance intimacy, to punish, to reward, or to humiliate in a DS scene. Watersports is a term used in SM to describe the passing and drinking of body fluids such as blood (menstruation and bodily), perspiration, semen, vomit, milk (lactation), urine, pussy-juice/ejaculation, spit, and enema contents. Many of the activities described later involve, in the parlance of health officials, "exchange of bodily fluids." If one of the partners is infected with a sexually transmitted disease, then the other is at risk for infection consequently.



Semen showers are the most common and certainly the most accepted. These are done between the breasts/chest, abdomen, buttocks, or on the face. Some are 'forced' to ejaculate on their own face as a form of humiliation in a SM scene. Milk showers consist of a lactating woman squeezing her milk onto a partner, a non-lactating partner using commercial milk to run over their own breasts, or someone pouring it onto the partner. Spitting is done in SM scenes involving degradation, punishment, or reward. Golden showers are sprayed on the face, body, genitals, or mouth of a partner. Some consider this a form of humiliation but others love the warm sensation, closeness, and trust it provides. Brown showers refer to partners who defecate on one another. This may also be done using enemas, some of which may consist of diluted wine. The Roman shower is of vomit and is considered the rarest form of Watersport. In such cases people typically drink wine or urine and then vomit these contents onto a partner.



Toilet training is the term used for submissives learning the art of Brown and Golden showers. The toilet slave may be made to lick a toilet clean, lie on her/his back as the Top squats above her/his face, or to lick clean the genitals of the Top after S/He relieves Her/Himself. A bottom who has a strong desire to be a toilet slave, but who's not yet accustomed to consuming human wastes, is often started with a substitute such as warm beer. These are inserted into the vagina or anus of the Top and the bottom learns to consume these substitutes before graduating to real secretions.



Have you never imagined what it would be like to feel your partner's urine, spit, blood, or vomit splashing against your skin? Next time you're alone in the shower, go ahead and pee, but hold your hand in the stream. Revel in how warm and touchable it really is. Feel the gentle insistence of the stream splashing against your skin. And remember, everything in urine is water-soluble and washes completely away as soon as the shower water flows over it. If the smell bothers you, try having a big drink about an hour before you shower. Also, while you are in the shower, try spitting on yourself, or perhaps rubbing your menses on your body. Try to experience just the sensation without judging it. Next, accept what emotions come up when performing these Watersports.



Now, ask your lover to pee on you in the shower. Ask to hold your hand in your lover's stream. When you are comfortable doing this, try the same exercises but with the shower turned off. As soon as you're done, turn the water on and wash off. When you are comfortable accepting your lover's stream, try lying in the shower or bath between your lover's legs and let her/him pee on your tummy or genitals. Some folks experience a nearly instantaneous orgasm the first time they feel their lover's stream on their genitals.



At this point, you may think you could be completely uninhibited with the thought of peeing with lover, but you don't think you could ever persuade your lover to participate in the D&S of Watersports. How do you broach the topic?



I can only tell you what worked for My bottom. Pick an intimate but relaxed moment. Encourage talk about fantasies and taboo desires. Try to get your lover to reveal one of his/her own secret fantasies. Share your desire to accept the fluids of your lover. Explain how and why it excites or humiliates you...and your desire to serve her/him. If you are a Top who wishes to pee, spit, vomit, or defecate on your lover, do admit the power you gain from this power exchange. Most importantly, embrace your spirit to explore sexually. You're only on this earth once...let it flow.



Finally, there must be an intangible "X" factor present between the people playing Watersports which enables the bottom to not only worship, love, and adore her/his Top, but to worship, love, and adore the Top's bodily fluids. The bottom must glory in, and make love to, the secretions of the Top. The bottom must desire the fluids of the Top above all else, knowing that because in a very real sense ingesting or accepting the passing of the Top's fluids is the ultimate act of degradation, it therefore becomes the ultimate act of love, giving the Top ultimate feelings of pleasure and power.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Yes, My Lady: Domestic Discipline: a Lady's Choice

This past October 19th, I had the wonderful opportunity to meet some of My column enthusiasts when I taught a BDSM Workshop on Domestic-style Discipline. The Society of Janus (www.soj.org), the Bay Area's pansexual BDSM organization, sponsored this public event open to BDSM folks outside of Janus at the Fort Mason Center in San Francisco. Elated to learn from Me in the flesh, I honored the workshop participants with the knowledge and experience of My favorite type of SM play.



Domestic Discipline is a mutually consensual scene or living arrangement in which one partner assumes the role of authority and disciplinarian over the other partner. It is the kind of control exerted by a Traditional Authority Figure. Being controlled is what the bottom needs, and controlling is what the Top needs. The discipline involves all things domestic: roles, toys, clothing, terms, language, roleplay, scenario, and location. It is the classic image of home, school, kitchen, office, or bedroom. It's Mommy's wooden hairbrush or wooden spoon. It's Daddy's black belt. The beatings, the birch, the cane, the paddle, the lash, or strap. The key to Domestic Discipline is that the bottom is afraid to admit that they want the Top in control. A bottom seeking discipline would normally expect their behavior to be carefully controlled; that there will be regular opportunities for some form of physical punishment, even if mild, for infractions.



The tenants of discipline, punishment, responsibility, and consequence that we first learn from our parents comprise the core of Domestic Discipline. It is the first lessons that will form our desire as adults to experience the same emotions, spirit, and play. When I was an adolescent, My brother and I used to run around the plant room against My mother's wishes. The story is always the same, and eventually, one of us would knock a plant over, spilling black, rich soil onto My mother's white, fluffy carpet. Mother would hear the falling of the plant, of course, and slowly approach upon the scene. She would chant, "Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman." My brother and I would look at each other in great fear and anguish. We knew what was coming next. Mother would demand that we lower our panties, and then, she would make us hold that position for a minute, or two. She would then wail on our bottoms with a homemade wooden paddle, last name engraved, and all. Today, I crave for the exhilaration that My brother chasing Me brought. Nothing quite like it except for maybe a lover chasing us around the house. I yearn to be mischievous…to make a mistake, and to be held accountable. I desire to scare My bottom: to make Her feel the fear of the consequence is greater than the consequence itself. I need order, stability, and object constancy in My life. Domestic Discipline provides such direction.



I categorize Domestic Discipline into two types of play: Lifestyle and Scene. Both are unique and demanding of their own set of rules. In a Scene, there is a beginning, middle, and end. Players negotiate the limits of the scene, and respect safewords. There are agreed upon roles, and from there the Top usually controls and/or makes up the scenario. The bottom's only way to end the scene is with the safeword. However, the bottom has just as much power as the Top. When bottom consents, do trust it. Overall, the Top must trust her/himself, and have confidence. The Top must also trust that the bottom will use the safeword, if needed. The bottom must trust that the Top is in control, and will not lose it. To make the scene safe and sane, pay attention to your partner's reactions, cues, respect limits, earn trust by acting trustworthy, stop at the use of the safeword, and push one another when you can take it.



As for Lifestyle Domestic Discipline, it is a long-term commitment to a certain agreed-upon relationship that follows certain domestic-discipline tenants. The Top establishes rules, which both parties negotiate, and the bottom agrees to obey the rules. The key is that the bottom may verbally agree to obey the rules, but s/he may defy them. The bottom must break the rules in order to require punishment. Disobeying rules carries consequence, such as corporal punishment or loss of privileges. As the authority, the Top sets example by living an orderly life and following the rules. This lifestyle demands good behavior from both parties. Overall, the bottom desires order, discipline, and control, and seeks the Top to contain them and guide them through this process. The bottom feels worthy and loved by the attention, boundaries, and knowledge of what is expected. The Top feels loved and respected by the bottom who takes punishment well and begins to perform better due to the discipline. Both parties are pleased when they have accomplished something: something that seems to produce a new way of relating. The objective of this lifestyle -- and the appeal -- for many couples is a smoother running household where power roles are defined, boundaries clear, and harmony prevails.



Domestic Discipline tends to be more accessible than other types of BDSM play. Most players can simply use their imagination, theatrical skills, past knowledge, and emotions. With Domestic Discipline, one doesn't have to buy new and expensive fetish wear, toys, and equipment. One can simply use what is in the home. It is an equalizer: both players may feel equal when they come to the drawing board, especially when it comes to class privilege. Both players have only to offer themselves, a true test of self-worth, confidence, and trust.



Domestic Discipline can take you and your partner on a sadistic, mind-probing, emotional interrogation that you will not soon forget. It pushes that edge between SM and real life, releases endorphins, and can bring great atonement. Using the best techniques to push both Top and bottom, Domestic Discipline fosters tuning into your partner's energy and role-playing cues. Domestic Discipline is special because it expands the boundaries of both Top and bottom and integrates fantasy and reality in a safe, contained manner.

Yes, My Lady: Sex & Bondage Go Together Like Love & Marriage...?

My most vivid memories of childhood are when I was bound, unwillingly and nonconsensually: bound to an abusive family, a sexist, racist nation-state, and my own low self-worth. As an adult, I will struggle with the confinement of the institution of marriage and the capitalist production of love. I will feel bound by tradition and familial and societal pressure to wed. Struggle to rid these chains that bind is a common theme in my life, and that in the lives of many Dominant women. However, being placed in bondage will serve as the only method to a sexuality for me as a young adult. How is it years later that bondage will serve as the only form of play in which I feel totally safe?



Like love and marriage, "sex and bondage" is an exercise teeming with convoluted practices and messages. The media often portrays women who are tied down as a victim. If she is shown enjoying bondage, then the character is assumed some sort of freak. Children learn at a young age that you tie someone down so that you may do what you wish to them -- so that you may keep them. Yet, the images that strike me most are the ones of men being tied down by women. Movies like Basic Instinct depict a manic, dominant man who both seeks and fears being restrained by a woman. The face of Michael Douglas's character portrays a struggle with submission as Sharon Stone's character forcibly wraps the silk scarf around his wrists. His bodily movements and facial expressions show a man that does not want to be bound by this woman, but he does not verbally resist. What remains is the silent omission that screams consent. Pure passivity.



Only bondage produces and maintains this type of passivity. By passivity, I do not mean submission. Submission signifies that you have power, which you choose to resign to another. By passivity, I mean you have no will to hand over to the Top. By passivity, I mean that you do not relinquish power. Rather, you act as if you have no power. As the rope, leather, and chains begin to sink into your skin, you don't care who enters you, when, or how.



For some novices of BDSM, bondage is the means to play...in fact; it is the only way that some can submit. Being bound allows a certain freedom to act as if one cannot escape, so one must submit. Bondage allows for a certain insidious negation of responsibility and blatant consent. The bottom can fool her/himself into accepting submission and the dominance of the Top. (The Top is only getting away with this because I am bound...) The bottom can enforce a private, internal illusion that the Top is making them do this. The bondage maintains the illusion and allows the bottom to act out as if they do not truly want what the Tops gives, but is forced to accept. Without the bondage, the bottom wouldn't be able to submit. Thus, for some novices, bondage is the only means to playing...a sort of forced submission.



For many novices of sex, let alone BDSM, we learn to feel sex as a dirty, bad thing. We cannot proudly covet or request sex. It usually requires someone else to "force" us to enjoy sex, to force us to become someone else for a little while, which allows a bound freedom. To inhibit the inhibited frees. This is where bondage enters. Bondage acts as a mediator between an abjected sense of self and sex; that is to say, it allows a person to let go of control over sex, the situation, fluids, etc., just enough to have sex. As My submissive friend Kaylynne says, "I couldn't let go enough to have sex, or to act that way [submissively], unless I was bound -- I needed bondage."



Bondage is a means to receive domination, attention, and/or sex. Many novices see bondage as a form of domination. They believe that they must be bound to be truly dominated. Many novices go through the ropes, actually not enjoying bondage, in order to get what they truly want from the Top: dominance. They learn to associate the two. Bondage and dominance are not the same thing. You can bind a body, but not the spirit. A dominant person will not suddenly submit simply because s/he is placed in bondage. Similarly, a submissive person can submit willingly without a single piece of rope restraining them. It usually takes a novice some time to learn that they need not be placed in bondage in order to be dominated. Similarly, many novice Tops believe they must bind someone in order to control them. How untrue!



As for experienced and cultivated players, many of us no longer mix sex and bondage. Why, you might ask? Well, it's something that only novices do seem to do; moreover, it's something that I no longer need to do. Bondage with sex, or sex with bondage was often our first act of SM. You tie your lover up and have sex. However, time passes, we gain experiences and try many different forms of SM, and suddenly, one finds her/himself not interested in traditional sex anymore. Bondage has replaced sex. Moreover, bondage becomes a new form of sex. One that is just as intimate, trust producing, and sexy as 69, intercourse, or any other form of "vanilla" sex.



Bondage takes on a life of its own. One suddenly begins to crave it like when one hasn't masturbated for a long time. The body aches for it. The loins desired to be pushed, knotted, and covered with delicate, yet strong, beautiful fabric. One longs for the feel of the ropes sliding up and down the body. 'Til finally, nothing is left but rope, leather, chains and bones. Like a good fuck, you continue to feel where the ropes once laid. Sex and bondage. Love and marriage. You can have one without the other.