Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Yes, My Lady: The Disproportionate Fear of SM

At the heart of SM is the most precious sense of vulnerability, intimacy, power, pleasure, and eroticism, commingled together and to which all Players react. What creates this fantastic blend of emotions and dynamism? It is We. We are divine and hold great potential to enact those things in life that create. It's SM players who not only recognize and embrace our divinity, but also seize our potential to create the most dynamic interpersonal power and relationships. What some novices fear most about SM is that SM makes present their power, potential, and finally, responsibility toward others -- something that our culture seeks to disallow on a daily basis.

A woman holds her back to the passengers as she leans close to a man in the back, left-hand corner of the airport elevator. She is tall, domineering, dressed in a classic-tailored dress suit and the man is short, centered, and stares forward. The energy around them is potent. None of passengers knows what exactly is going on between the two in the corner…but a dynamic energy flows from her to him. She whispers in his ear, the effect being his face reddens, and droplets of sweat begin to slide down his face. The other passengers begin to shift; a sign of their discomfort and an avowal of Her power, grace, and responsibility. I simply envy him because I want Her to whisper to me because She changes life in a space by merely whispering.

I enjoy playing with power.

I don't enjoy playing with power.

SM play turns me on.

SM play disturbs me.

I understand it.

I am baffled by it.

You'd think that after all these years of playing, I'd know SM inside out. Well, I do and I don't. In my earlier days of SM play, something in me was stirred by the play, in both good and bad ways, yet I wasn't able to sort out any of it. I lacked the insight and semantics to do so. I would grill my friends endlessly to try to come to some peace within me; some comprehension of what in some aspects seemed like repulsive behavior. They would tire of my examination before I could ever get any sense of satisfaction. Today, I find many novices to SM who are experiencing what I went through some ten years ago when I first began to admit that I needed the power exchange, pain, pleasure, fear, and intimacy that SM play enabled.

Many of my new clients attempt to set aside their troubled confusion at what SM does to and for them and go on with their lives. However, most of them submit to their desire for SM and eventually, they make their way back to my dungeon. They never are able to suppress their desire for SM. What scrutiny remains is why some novices wish to deny that they need SM.

As I researched SM, what emerged were the overwhelming prevalence of fascination and fantasy with SM and a stunning paucity of relevant discussion on the nature of it. There are hundreds of porn books, stories, and Internet sites, yet even in the most respected SM information sources the discussion of why some of us spend our lives attempting to deny our need for SM is at best brief. None are able to tell why SM is such a turn-on and why it is such a threat. None are able to tell why some aspects of SM turn me on, but others do not -- why some aspects I need and others threaten me.

At the core of SM, it's about eroticizing power, power disparity, vulnerability, intimacy, fear, passion, social discomfort, pain, domination, submission, and uncomfortable emotions. In order for this power dynamic to exist, there must be some internalized standard of behavior or a code of conduct, if you will. This code of conduct is based on socially defined sense of honor, prestige, self-esteem, reciprocity, and caste placement. We act out what we perceive is appropriate behavior based on our place in the world, a delicate combination of external cues and internalized values. When there's a discrepancy in one of these as we purposefully create a discrepancy in order to perform certain roles in SM, like Top and bottom, we experience what is at the core of SM.

This is all fine and dandy. However, what is so powerful about SM that some people would spend more time denying their desire instead of playing? There are as many reasons as there are players. A major generalization, however, does seem to emerge.

SM play functions as the ritualization or emphasis of power disparity of the roles taken by the players. SM establishes, enforces, or emphasizes power differential. In this space of power differential, the players act out social taboos. For some, they want to enjoy socially taboo activities, yet may still find that desire itself threatening, such as a man wearing women's panties, but they need another to push them over their own inhibition just for that moment. The person who pushes them over their own inhibition witnesses what this person fears most in themselves and society. Both players are responsible for facing and challenging who they are, what values they hold true, and why they hold these values to be true. While SM seems to function as a temporary relief from being a responsible adult in this world, it really throws responsibility right into your face.

Most of us experience fear toward SM because we face that we want what only SM enables. We sense that we need it and the desire feels so overwhelming, as if it is going to devour us. SM is scary and threatening because it is so important. So disproportionate the fear is in some of people that they spend their lives trying to deny that need SM instead of allowing themselves to embrace it.

SM, the desire for and disavow of, is a complex topic with great potential for pleasure, personal insight, and exploration -- one I intend to keep investigating.

Yes, My Lady: La Dama Domina: an Introduction

Welcome to My column and the newest addition to the website. I am Domina Lady, a well known and respected Lifestyle and Professional Dominant, residing in San Francisco, California, USA. I am a skilled SM artist and sexually dominant woman who is plainly passionate about BDSM and fetish. I will be visiting with you, the community, on a biweekly basis to share My private life and experiences as a Professional Domina and to discuss BDSM from a Professional Domina's perspective.

What makes this column unique from the other columns at Pace provides the updates and on-goings at Aiken, the world affairs from a BDSM perspective - and silkenluv, she offers information on BDSM from her own unique perspective as a submissive. I bestow the inner workings of Professional Dominance and the private life of a real Domina. There is a voyeuristic fascination with what lies behind the leather curtain - the private life of the Dominatrix. We seem to be an outlandish, taboo, reserved bunch. I am one in a shadow industry, only mentioned in fiction, the media, and whispers. Yet, through My craft I contribute toward changing lives by facilitating deeper self-understanding. How does tying people up and beating on them produce this, you ask? By providing a space of freedom where clients are free to be the person that society shames them for being. SM and the Professional Domina can provide an often-profound experience. Many clients share with Me their closely held secrets and passions. It also takes courage, trust, and vulnerability to come and submit to Me. These are all traits that I hope to inspire in people. It is through relating with Me and submitting to Me that clients are able to discuss their desires, fantasies, and fears in a compassionate space, which only leads to self-examination and personal growth.

In this column, I will cover a gambit of content that I believe will hearten self-examination, education, and joy: from actual accounts of My professional sessions that cover what type of behavior I and other real Dominants reward to exclusive interviews with other Professional Dominants, Switches, submissives...and even clients. You can look forward to reviews and accounts of BDSM classes, fetish events, and play parties. I will also provide instructions on "How-to" engage in certain BDSM acts from a Professional Dominant's perspective, how to use certain types of equipment, and how to find a professional Dominant that is right for you.

Occasionally, I will elicit questions from you to which I will answer in My column. What kind of questions do I wish to receive via e-mail from you? Questions about Me, Professional Dominance, BDSM, a particular type of play, toy, equipment, and/or ideology. I also desire that you interact with Me and make suggestions on content. What do you desire to learn from and read about a Professional Domina? I will appreciate messages that offer suggestions that are related to Me, Professional Dominance, and/or BDSM from a professional perspective. I have already chatted with some of you in the community, in the BDSM-net hosted by in conjunction with, and many of you have kindly asked for me to cover a variety of BDSM issues, such as safety, toy use, real life experiences, legalities, the lifestyle, and the non-obvious sides to BDSM. I thank you for this input, as this column is much like a SM scene: it takes both parties to make it work. Your contribution as one who provides suggestions on content is imperative...Domina Lady says so! Thus, this column will only be as interesting and informative as we both make it.

Overall, the life force behind My column is, indeed, Me...about Me. My profession has placed Me in the role of being an emotional and sexual trail guide. I am a very unique, special Domina and member of the SM community. I hold a graduate degree from a New England university and have traveled worldwide for pleasure and erudition. I have even been caught by a crewmember in the middle of a scene when on a twenty-one hour flight to Beijing, China. More to come on that later! How did I become a Professional Dominant, you ask? After playing both privately and publicly for several years, I began to ponder Professional Dominance because so many of the women whom I respect in the SM community are Professional Dominas. While I sat on the board as the Archivist of the oldest and largest BDSM women's organization, the membership was notoriously professional. I have spent much love and labor theorizing and writing about sexuality, BDSM, power, sexual minorities, and the sex industry as an academic scholar. I had even worked as a Labor Organizer, organizing the only sex workers' union in the country. Thus, My passion for scholarship and organizing has always gravitated toward sex work, sex workers, and sexual "deviants." Professional Dominance seemed to be one of My many callings.

While coming to Professional Dominance was highly a brain activity, I would be lying if I denied the physical attraction to My profession. I am a highly predatory Top who has always desired to learn anything and everything that I can about BDSM. Professional Dominance has allowed Me to learn more about BDSM than all My years as a Lifestyle player. Lastly, Professional Dominance is a highly physical activity for Me: I need the sweat, the organization, to employ My skills, and the journey to that edge we call BDSM.

Welcome to Yes, My Lady, I look forward to interacting with you on a biweekly basis. Best to you and great pain.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Yes, My Lady: The Submissive Male: Interview with Client Tom

Client Tom has served many Professional Dominants during his tenure of 20 years as a client. He's been tied up, shoved down, whipped, caned, shaved, pierced, cross-dressed, pissed on, walked on, and made to crawl and kiss feet until his knees and tongue became sore and dry. During the following interview, Client Tom shares why he pays a Professional Dominant to do what She wants to do.

How did you get started hiring a Professional Dominant?

In my twenties, I started exploring what I wanted to do sexually. The thought of doing things that I didn't necessarily want to do for a beautiful, dominant woman ignited a passion in me beyond my control. However, I didn't feel in control of my sexuality. I set out to explore different SM events, fetish parties, and organizations. I even dated a number of dominant women. However, when I met my wife, we just connected in a way that I never have with another woman. I knew that she would be my life partner. So, I attempted to ignore my submissive side--but I couldn't for very long. I would sometimes dress in my wife's underclothing. Every time a dominant woman interacted with me, I would just melt at the knees. I walked around feeling as if I deserved to be punished. Finally, one day I picked up the local sex-industry magazine. I telephoned the first advertisement for BDSM that I saw.

Why won't your wife dominate you? Have you talked to her about it?

I tried to talk to her. Well, one time I told her that I wanted her spank me, but she acted as if I was just kidding and she laughed it off. I was too embarrassed to tell her otherwise. It took me a long time to finally ask her to do something to me, and it didn't go as I wanted. I was afraid of what she would think of me.

But isn't your wife with whom you should be sharing your vulnerable side?

When I married my wife, I knew that she wouldn't agree with my fantasies or desires. I married her for other reasons. I don't need to be sharing this side of me with her. Furthermore, my wife expects me to be "the man" in the relationship. What I mean by this is that she expects me to be in control. She wouldn't respect me if she knew I am submissive. It would make her feel too vulnerable, upset, you know.

Some of our readers may dislike that you don't share this intimate part of you with your life partner. Some may wonder how could you live with yourself not being who you "really" are with your wife. What is your response?

Well, sometimes I do feel bad, guilty, you know. But the truth is that being submissive is more than just a fix that I can just do and get over. Submission is something that I need. I tried for years to deny my feelings and desires. I notice that I'm actually a happier, better person since I've been serving Pro-Dommes. I'm a better husband: I am centered and fulfilling my needs helps me fulfill my wife's needs.

Why go to a Pro-Domme? Why not submit to a lifestyle dominant woman, like a member of an SM organization?

Oh, my. [laughs] The thought of maintaining a relationship with another woman behind my wife's back just brings the ulcer on! I strictly desire to submit, to do SM, and then move on. I don't want to be in relationship with another woman. I don't want or need to be submissive all the time. With the Professional Dominant, I can tell Her exactly what I want and do not want, and have my needs met. I pay for a service, for a certain amount of time with a beautiful, dominant woman, in a contained environment. We leave what I do in that room.

A change in subject here, in reference to My column from July 28, 2000 "Potency & Allure of the Femme", what attracts you to the Femme Domme?

Well, at a basic level, I get to be in the presence of a woman in make-up, high heels, and tight fitting clothing, paying attention strictly to me. And I am an over-weight, balding, middle-aged man, and I don't get attention from beautiful women...well, from any women much anymore. I find the Femme extremely powerful, stimulating, sexy, hot. I want her to tell me what to dominate me. I find that the Femme Domme is able to do deep psychological domination, she is sophisticated and knowledgeable about human behavior, interpersonal relations, and erotic power dynamics.

Do you wish you could be like the Femme?

Sometimes I fantasize about dressing up in women's clothing, having my Mistress force me to do it. I like Her subtle and commanding power. The Femme Domme makes you want to please Her. So, yes, sometimes I am envious of the Femme. She gets to feel sexy and her femininity. Men don't often have a chance to feel their feminine side. Men who are submissive seek Pro-Domme services because we already know something about what brings us to our knees for the Femme-Domme, and about the grace and joy and great relief we can experience in Her company; when we visit we are scared, eager, hopeful, and thrilled, and we regard it as great good fortune that we are able to spend time with Her.

You know whom you represent. Look at what you call yourselves: Lady, Mistress, Goddess, Madame, Queen of All the Heavens, it is you we've come to be with, it's your presence and attention we entreat. We revel in your power. I have continued to go back to Pro-Dommes for over twenty years because I love seeing what you all can do with your power.

I want to thank Client Tom for answering My questions and responding so vibrantly to My inquiry. I finally want to thank My readers who encourage such a dialogue and desire to learn more about Professional BDSM.

Yes, My Lady: How To Introduce Your Girlfriend or Wife To Female Domination

Submissives, why just dream about serving a dominant female, when you may be already in a relationship with one? Many women just don't realize that they can be dominant, because they have been held down by a male dominant society. Every woman has a hidden female power that if released, will cause her to be a bold, confident, dominant woman.

Therefore, if you are a submissive who is in a serious relationship with a woman, you need to search no further for your Dominatrix. She is right in front of you. The challenge for you is to draw out her dominant nature with your submissive nature. The women that have unleashed their dominant female power have men and women begging to serve them. If you don't believe me, check out how many professional Domina ads there currently are on the Internet.

In order for you to draw out your partner's dominant nature, you must seduce your partner with your submission. Don't show your partner material about D&S, B&D, and S&M, and expect her to be enthusiastic about it. She will probably think that these activities are strange and might even think that you're strange. However, if you seduce her dominant nature and draw it out of her, once it starts to come to the forefront, then you can introduce her to some D&S, B&D, and S&M activities. So, how do you seduce your partner's dominant nature with your submissive nature?

You begin by treating her like a Queen. You begin by serving her as if she was already the dominant woman of your dreams. Be humble and submissive around her. Don't argue with her, don't yell at her, and don't give her any back talk. Your purpose in your relationship is to serve her. What she says goes, so be quick to agree with her.

Another thing that you can do to seduce your partner's dominant nature is to offer to give her foot and body massages. When she gets home from a hard day's work, don't sit and watch television and ignore her. A submissive exists to tend to the dominant's needs. Go and kneel next to her, take off her shoes, and rub her tired feet. As she relaxes in pleasure, work your massage up her legs and massage, and lightly scratch her legs. Do this on a consistent basis. While you are doing this, tell her that you love and adore her. Tell her that you exist to serve her.

Eventually, you might take more liberty as you rub her feet. You might start to kiss and lick her feet. I wouldn't do this the first time, but if she responds positively to the massages, then keep adding to them. You might work your kissing and licking from her feet, up her legs, and then to her crotch. That's right, get in the habit of orally servicing your partner. Kiss her body all over and make love to her with your mouth and tongue. Do not ever penetrate her with your dildo or penis, unless she requests it. Do not focus on your needs, but instead focus on her needs. Please her sexually as your Queen. Don't you dare ever take any liberties, without her permission.

The goal is to get both you and her in the habit of viewing sex as being for the Dominant's pleasure. It will be for your pleasure only if she says so. Which brings up another way that you can seduce her dominant nature: whenever she give you permission to enter her or whenever she is giving you pleasure, always ask her permission before you climax. She will again probably be amazed that you are even asking, but eventually she will come to really like the idea that she controls your orgasms.

All of these "little" things will seduce her dominant nature and it will cause her to grow more dominant. Whenever she asks you why you're treating her so good, tell her it's because you love her and because you've come to realize that you're submissive and want to be submissive toward her. Tell her that she's your Queen and that you exist to serve her. Now be careful here and don't over do it. Tell her your feelings about how you want to serve her, then leave it at that. She might ask you what has made you to feel this way, and if she does, it presents you with a real opportunity.

Tell her that you have had submissive feelings toward her for sometime, but that you were afraid to express them before. Then tell her that you have been reading a lot on the Internet about Female Domination and that it has touched a chord within you. Again, let her know your feelings but don't over do it. Do not bring up B&D, S&M, D&S at this time.

When do you bring up D&S, B&D, and S&M? When she starts to respond positively to your submission and she starts to ask you more about Female Domination. Then you can begin to introduce her to this lifestyle. You could buy her an introductory book like The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green. She will begin to understand that you desire to serve her.

From this point on, slowly introduce her to D&S, S&M, and B&D. Buy her some fetish clothes, and maybe a leather paddle or a whip. Again, only move at her pace. If you sense that she is starting to become negative, then back off the D&S activities and re-focus on just serving her. Not every woman will react the same and not every woman will grow at the same pace. However, I believe that if you are persistent and consistent, than your partner will eventually overcome her inhibitions and she'll allow her dominant nature to freely flow out of her. Then she will totally seize the reigns of your relationship and she'll fulfill her potential as a dominant woman. Good Luck.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Yes, My Lady: SM or Abuse?

In this column, we face insidious abuse that attempts to pass as SM. It's my duty to teach the difference between SM and abuse and to reach out to players who have a hard time knowing the difference. However, after all the education of SM to ignorant audiences, we must begin to address why some players, particularly submissives, remain ignorant or in denial, and to question just who's responsible.

A self-identified submissive recently came to me seeking advice whether she was being abused or just in a SM relationship. She spoke of a compelling man with whom she, at the age of seventeen, ran away after only knowing for three days.

Supposedly, this man began "training" her, without her consent or knowledge within the six months that they have lived together. Her living situation with this "Master" is that she pays more rent than him, must clean the apartment daily, may not speak to any friends except when he's present, and may only eat rice and pasta on some days. Her Master abuses her if her body shows any blemishes or if he decides that she is fat.

This "Master" threatens to leave her or forcibly sodomize her for any minor discrepancy. Apparently, he claims that he has a "sodomy fetish," while scarring her inside by inserting barely lubricated carrots, deodorant cans, and other implements, which have, at times, cut her.

This submissive wants to know: "Is this behavior truly BDSM as practiced by the general community, or is she 'simply' being tortured?"

Safe, Sane, and Consensual

The credo safe, sane, and consensual was developed in SM communities to encourage standards of play for our own protection and pleasure. Each individual must determine what is safe, sane, and consensual for her/himself. If someone else is deciding that for you - then it is not safe, sane, and certainly not consensual. If an individual psychologically or physically oppresses you, then you're incapable of making informed consent. However, if you examine your own feelings, your own motivations, and most importantly, your own desires, then you're capable of making a choice of whether an activity is safe, sane, and consensual for you.

Safe -

Safe is as basic as you have to protect yourself. You should never engage in intimate activity with someone you don't trust. Before you can achieve mutual trust, you must have communication - a free exchange of opinions and beliefs as to what's desired and what's not desired.

Sane -

Sane is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality. The things you read in books and in chatrooms are fantasy, and fantasy is often extreme. The issue here is consenting adults engaging in sex play, and even if the terms "slave" and "dungeon" are used, the context is understood.

Consensual -

The type and parameters of control are agreed upon in each scene, and the people involved agree to be in that particular situation. Even in dominance and submission, equality is maintained between the partners because the person being stimulated has the ultimate say in what happens to them; s/he has veto power.

Veto power is maintained through what is known as a safeword - a designated word that signals the scene must slow down or stop immediately. You have to remember that we're talking about are sexual games, with a beginning, middle and end, guided by rules and governed by everyone involved.

The Difference Between S/M and Abuse

*There is a difference between being submissive and being subordinate.

*SM is not abuse. Therapist Guy Baldwin provides some criteria to help differentiation SM from abuse, since this is a common area of confusion:

"With abuse, only the abuser has power. In s/m fetish behavior, both participants have power. Abuse is non-consensual and coercive; s/m behavior is consensual by definition. With abuse, recipients don't invite it; in s/m behavior, the recipient of the stimuli usually invites it. With abuse, neither party feels good afterward; with s/m, both parties feel good afterward, when the experience goes smoothly. With abuse, the receiver never looks forward to more. With s/m, all parties look forward to more. With abuse, the recipient generally can't stop the action; in s/m, the receiver can almost always stop the action or influence its pace and intensity. Abuse is surrounded in secrecy and isolation. Within the s/m world, the behaviors are usually open and above-board. With abuse both the abuser and abused are usually ashamed of the activity and hide the result. With s/m, people are often proud of the results and will show them off to others who are in the know about it...with abuse, the injuries, if any, are unwanted. In s/m behavior, injuries, if any, are incidental to pleasure - just as in non-s/m sexuality. With abuse, the recipient never quite knows when it is going to happen. With s/m fetish sexual behavior, the participants almost always know. With abuse, it is not usually erotic for either. With s/m, it is often erotic for both." (Baldwin, 1998)

Clearly, this submissive isn't practicing SM. She's being abused. This "Master" has made all the decisions about what would be done to her. There's no communication or consent. The submissive has no safeword to end the acts. The submissive is made to hide the abuse by not being allowed to speak to any friends without him present. And, finally, his threats of leaving and forcible sodomy, are extremely unhealthy, dangerous acts -- not sane or safe ones.

The fact that this submissive shared this information with me demonstrates that she does know deep inside that she's being abused -- yet, she fears accepting that knowledge, and perhaps, needs validation. To accept that she's being abused would mean that if she chooses to stay in the relationship, she would have to hold herself as partially responsible for continuing the abuse. It takes both an abuser and a victim to make abuse, just as it takes both a Top and a bottom to make SM. Practicing SM always is knowing that not too far away is the potential for abuse. It takes mature, responsible people to practice SM, to not cross that line and still call it SM.

Yes, My Lady: Flaming Blazing Blue

Please use caution when with playing with fire. These are meant as helpful hints about using fire as a toy. Please use this advice at your own risk. If you are inexperienced, please ask a professional before trying this yourself.


How better than spend Queer & Leather Pride this summer by flaming. Us perverts are known for our flamboyant flaming ability, especially when we set fire to each other in SM play. Fire is hot; it's the embodiment of passion and power with a life of its own. Fire is one of human being's most significant discoveries and is adapted for use in SM play. It must be treated with absolute respect.

SM fireplay creates a sense of danger and excitement. The bottom feels empowered by enduring the danger or pain, and the Top feels empowered by controlling the flames. Fire sexual games include the use of chemicals, 'frying' genitals in hot oil, hot wax, okyu, peau flambé, fire dancing, fire walking, cigarette burns, throwing matches onto pubic hair, and flagellation (tapping) with torches. Although I could cover this whole array of fireplay, I choose to honor the blazing-blue for this column because it's one of the most aesthetically beautiful forms of SM play.

Blazing-blue or peau flambé is practiced in several ways. One method is putting flammable liquid on skin, lighting it, and allowing it to burn-bright, blue, and briefly. All you need are some household items, common sense, and the following suggestions. As with any other intense activity, I recommend trying this on yourself before sharing your burning desire. Also, please read the instructions several times before starting, and practice on skinless chicken breasts before trying the real thing. You are playing with fire here!

Assemble Your Ingredients. You'll need a fairly large bowl of water, isopropyl alcohol, squirt bottles for alcohol and water (I prefer to use a squirt bottle for applying alcohol to cotton balls; you can also loosen the lid a little, using the bottle as a dispenser), cotton balls, and an incendiary device that can be used with one hand [Note: matches and candles should be avoided because they take two hands. Also, avoid refillable lighters of all types. They use naphtha or butane-both extremely flammable-and make for potential mini-bombs in the presence of open flame. Bic-type lighters work well; the trigger-handled ones are easier to control. They also keep the flamer's hand (which might just have some residual alcohol on it) away from the source of ignition]. You'll also need clean towels and cloths, both wet and dry, and a fire extinguisher (this isn't necessary, but you might as well).

Prepare Your Tender Tinder. Burning hair smells... interesting. If you savor that scent, don't shave the bottom. Razor burn doesn't count as fireplay; but it does count as open skin. Open skin means bodily fluids are present, which mandates protection. Besides, have you ever put alcohol in an open wound (on yourself and on purpose, anyway?) If the bottom is prone to shaving reactions, use a depilatory cream to get her fur-free. Make certain to remove all of the cream with soap and water. A nice warm shower or bath makes for thorough cleanliness and a soothing, intimate transition from denuding your darling to getting down to business. While she's naked and wet, check for any open skin, cuts, scratches, abrasions, or bruises; those areas shouldn't be burned.

Prepare Fire Protection. Use rolled wet towels as firewalls, protecting hands, feet, face, and any other nonsmoking area. Cunts and ass cheeks are fun to play with because they're so sensitive, but take extra care to extinguish quickly, especially where there are folds of skin. As long as you avoid open skin, it's okay to flame over tattoos. Avoid piercings; the metal may heat up and cause invisible but serious burns. Bellies, breasts, and backs? Sublime.

Think Fast. Get ready to act swiftly; alcohol evaporates fast. You have to follow all the steps below: apply the alcohol, wipe any excess off of your hand, grab a lighter, torch your pyrophile, and extinguish her flaming flesh-all within a matter of seconds. Practice makes perfect; as mentioned above, hone your technique on some skinless chicken breasts. Put alcohol on a cotton ball. It should be saturated, not dripping. Use it to draw a line on the bottoms body. Start small and work up. The more intricate the design, the harder to control the flame. You'll know when there's enough on her; it should look shiny-wet, not dripping. Use a damp cloth to erase any alcohol that went outside the lines and wipe your own hand quickly with a clean rag to remove any residual fuel. Light from the bottom of the design, and watch the flame run, or light it towards center and watch her come alight. Either way, the flame should only be allowed to burn for an instant. To cease the sizzle, follow the flame with your hand or damp cloth, putting the fire out well before it can do damage. Eliminate fire hazards by immediately putting all waste in a can with some water in it.

Cool Down. Ice cubes on freshly flame-kissed skin produce a delectably intense sensation. So will a mist of cool water, to a lesser degree. Try putting on some more alcohol, but don't light it. Anything that has an effect on skin-minty stuff, warming lotions, astringents-will produce fascinating results. These should not be ignited! Wrap her in something warm and cozy. Despite recent flames, she may have a chill from the evaporated alcohol and/or endorphin crash. Keep her warm, and give her water.

Safety Tips. Never use cigarettes, aerosol propellants, oils, or booze; they burn too hot and are hard to control. Repeated burns in the same area can result in serious injury, from blisters to third-degree burns. Aloe Vera gel is good for minor burns. For anything more serious, such as redness or inflammation that doesn't fade or gets worse within 24 hours, blisters, or skin that oozes fluid of any type, see a physician. Severe burns require immediate medical attention. If you're wondering if you need medical attention, you probably do.

So, there you have it folks! Flame away, be proud, and Happy Pride.