BDSM is a part of me, therefore a part of my life. It's just a part, not my whole life, but it is a part deep inside. It was a part of me when I was a child; it only grew during my life. Those feelings are part of the person I am, I can't turn them off, I never found the switch to do so. Once discovered, it will always be a part of you which is impossible to neglect, it will never leave your life.
Denial of those feelings would be denying a part of who I am. It doesn't mean it's always easy to accept those feelings. Accepting yourself the way you are, might take years, some will never be able to accept themselves. Discovering those feelings happens at any age, some, like myself, seem to know it from when they were a little kid; some discover the feelings when they're already in a long-term relationship. The discovery may turn your life upside down, especially when you're in a relationship with a partner who doesn't share your feelings. It may give you a very hard time accepting those feelings and telling your partner about it.
You won't know in front how your partner will react. There is a chance of course you both are into BDSM and you might be the first to start talking about it. In that case it is possible your feelings are not compatible, but it should give you a base to talk about BDSM together.
It may seem like your partner doesn't want to know about your feelings, keep in mind that the way you feel about BDSM may not be the same image your partner has about it. The 'facts' you find in media are not always what the inside looks like, but those are the only facts people know about it. So you might scare him/her by telling you're into BDSM, not knowing in front what he/she knows about BDSM. Besides this is the insecurity your partner may feel about the role you might have planned for him/her, together with the fright of whips and other toys.
You cannot be careful enough, telling about your feelings when you want your partner to be part of your fantasies. It will help you to read your way into BDSM, gathering as much information as you can, to make up your mind and find the answers to the questions you and your partner might have. Knowing your fantasies and possibilities, will make communication less difficult, for you will be able to explain what you want, instead of just saying: "Listen love, have you ever heard about BDSM? That's what I want to do." That would scare them off for sure.
Putting things like bondage in a more common way than just your own relationship might help you to get a clue about the feelings of your partner. Maybe you'll have the opportunity to talk about restriction during sex instead of: "Love, I just want to throw you on the bed and tie you up, so I can do anything I want to." Or: "I want you to spank me until I won't be able to sit properly tomorrow." I am a person who stands for honesty and clearness, but sometimes carefulness is even better.
Keep in mind that you might be through the process of coming out, but your partner is only at the beginning of a journey through the wilderness. It's not fair to expect them to understand you and BDSM from day one; you may expect some respect though. It will be your responsibility to show them where to find information, other opinions, to make clear what it is you want them to understand. It will take more than one day to make yourself clear and understood. Giving your partner an opportunity to understand or even recognize your feelings will make you benefit from it.
It's far easier for me to tell you the things you shouldn't do. Telling you what you can do best is impossible, for every person is different. I expect you know your partner best, you know best how to comfort him/her. Start at the beginning, pick the most important ingredient BDSM has to offer you and find out if there is a way to accomplish it within your relationship.
Denial of those feelings would be denying a part of who I am. It doesn't mean it's always easy to accept those feelings. Accepting yourself the way you are, might take years, some will never be able to accept themselves. Discovering those feelings happens at any age, some, like myself, seem to know it from when they were a little kid; some discover the feelings when they're already in a long-term relationship. The discovery may turn your life upside down, especially when you're in a relationship with a partner who doesn't share your feelings. It may give you a very hard time accepting those feelings and telling your partner about it.
You won't know in front how your partner will react. There is a chance of course you both are into BDSM and you might be the first to start talking about it. In that case it is possible your feelings are not compatible, but it should give you a base to talk about BDSM together.
It may seem like your partner doesn't want to know about your feelings, keep in mind that the way you feel about BDSM may not be the same image your partner has about it. The 'facts' you find in media are not always what the inside looks like, but those are the only facts people know about it. So you might scare him/her by telling you're into BDSM, not knowing in front what he/she knows about BDSM. Besides this is the insecurity your partner may feel about the role you might have planned for him/her, together with the fright of whips and other toys.
You cannot be careful enough, telling about your feelings when you want your partner to be part of your fantasies. It will help you to read your way into BDSM, gathering as much information as you can, to make up your mind and find the answers to the questions you and your partner might have. Knowing your fantasies and possibilities, will make communication less difficult, for you will be able to explain what you want, instead of just saying: "Listen love, have you ever heard about BDSM? That's what I want to do." That would scare them off for sure.
Putting things like bondage in a more common way than just your own relationship might help you to get a clue about the feelings of your partner. Maybe you'll have the opportunity to talk about restriction during sex instead of: "Love, I just want to throw you on the bed and tie you up, so I can do anything I want to." Or: "I want you to spank me until I won't be able to sit properly tomorrow." I am a person who stands for honesty and clearness, but sometimes carefulness is even better.
Keep in mind that you might be through the process of coming out, but your partner is only at the beginning of a journey through the wilderness. It's not fair to expect them to understand you and BDSM from day one; you may expect some respect though. It will be your responsibility to show them where to find information, other opinions, to make clear what it is you want them to understand. It will take more than one day to make yourself clear and understood. Giving your partner an opportunity to understand or even recognize your feelings will make you benefit from it.
It's far easier for me to tell you the things you shouldn't do. Telling you what you can do best is impossible, for every person is different. I expect you know your partner best, you know best how to comfort him/her. Start at the beginning, pick the most important ingredient BDSM has to offer you and find out if there is a way to accomplish it within your relationship.
No comments:
Post a Comment