Thursday, April 26, 2007

Yes, My Lady: The Romanticism of D/s

My sexuality is sado-masochist. I am a dominant sadist to be precise.

I am also a hopeless romantic.

Many may find this contradictory. I find it perfectly natural. Good D/s, or Dominant & submissive relationships are inherently romantic in nature.

[As I write these words, My servant boy Diane is kneeling on the floor next to Me, presenting Me a plate of gourmet food that she has prepared. Diane is My full time submissive and I am, at all times, her Queen. Our relationship is deeply steeped in leather romance. It pleases Me to see Diane's devotion to Me. There is also a submissive's satisfaction in a job well done. Do these simple acts of cooking and presenting her gift of food to Me while kneeling, acts of devotion and affection, strengthen our relationship? Most certainly.]

The fundamental key to understanding a healthy D/s relationship is the mindful and formalized elements of the interactions that people would otherwise pass thoughtlessly through in non-D/s relationships. First, the union is entered into and begun consciously with the explicit consent of both parties. There is a clearly delineated and agreed upon beginning and end. This may take the form of a formal collaring ceremony, exchange of written vows called a 'contract,' or verbal acknowledgement of each of their position to the other.

Such a formalized acknowledgement of the formation of a relationship is a declaration of a beginning of a adventure, that both have some idealized sense of the experience they are about to enter. The ultimate outcome of this adventure is the validation and fulfillment of a desire unchecked.

As part of the conscious entry into the joint journey, boundaries, and terms are also agreed upon. This formalizes the scope of the relationship. Where some D/s relationships can fail, causing heartache, is when shift in personal needs and the need for renegotiations of boundaries are not recognized or acted upon. When regular emotional maintenance is built into the structure of the relationship, D/s relationships can last for years.

The D/s relationship is entered into because there is desire. Desire begets desire, fueling the passion of each for the other. This desire is not the simple sexual craving or that of physical attraction. There is certainly fondness and affection -- even love. However, it is also more than that. It is a desire to know this particular person in an intimate way that is so much deeper in the heart than simple physical intimacy. A desire on the submissive's part based in hope that a special trust can be built where loss of Ego State and peaceful surrender may be possible. The Dominant desires a singular loyalty and emotional safety where they are free to explore their hidden erotic hungers.

My boy Diane, who practices the tango, reminds Me that D/s is much like dancing. Both individuals, well practiced in the art, know the fundamental steps and the elements that compose the dance. They approach each other in a formal formation, stop to recognize each other, and begin the dance. One must be an exceptional lead, the other, an elegant follower. The lead's skill is pointless with out the presence and grace of the follower. Although the components of the dance and even the music may be known, each dance is different as the lead step into the follower's step, the follower respond in yet another different step. What a beautiful dance is thus created! A unique dance imbued with the energy and intent is much like hot D/s play...

Good D/s relationships also manifest signs of honor, loyalty, bravery, courtesy, and devotion. It is obvious that there is an expectation for the submissive to be loyal, courteous, and devoted to her Dominant. The relationship is also based upon the loyalty, courtesy, and devotion of the Dominant for the submissive. The Dominant must give the submissive due respect, which means fundamental courtesy of a human being. She must be loyal to the relationship and committed to the care and protection of Her bottom. This is a form of devotion to the union. It is also vital that the Dominant honors the gift of surrender from the submissive. A submissive of quality would not be so foolish as to trust, much less surrender to a so-called 'dominant' who would not respect and honor their gift. Both parties must honor the boundaries and vulnerabilities of the other. D/s has built into it a sense of mutual protectiveness and trust that flows both directions. D/s relationship is built upon respect and trust.

For many practitioners, D/s relationship's formalized nature also brings a sense of domestic peace by consciously creating a space of order in a world filled with chaos and unpredictability. There is, for many, comfort in knowing exactly what their role in the relationship is and having the power to define it with awareness. In many non-D/s relationships, the roles of dominant and submissive parties exist, but they are not acknowledged at a conscious level or discussed as such. In such an environment where the roles become a set of default behavior, there is a great potential for quiet resentment and sense of dissatisfaction to build up.

My submissive Diane reminds Me that there is something more to the richness of the D/s experience. The boy is quite right. However, there is a problem. How do I explain the emotional richness and pleasure in meaningful words to those who have never experienced it? How do you describe the pleasure of biting into a freshly picked, sun ripened luscious peach to someone who has only had hot house fruits from a chain-grocery store? This quality of a special love is precisely what poets have been trying to put in words from airy nothings for thousands of years. Thus, after attempting to write upon the romantic nature of the form of affection I practice called Dominance and submission, I am still want for words, time, and space to convey the subtler nuances that I celebrate each day.

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