Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Yes, My Lady: Strategic BDSM

I want to encourage practitioners of bondage and discipline (BD), dominance and submission (DS), fetishism, and sadomasochism (SM) to think about why you engage in sex acts called BD, DS, fetishism and SM. If you are new to sadomasochistic, queer practices and the BDSM community, don't fret, this discussion stills apply to you. However, I have found in My ten years of domination and submission that the people in most need of examination of their acts are seasoned players. It has been My experience that while most novices thoroughly ponder and explore as much as the "why" as "how" of BDSM, many experienced players lose interest in the exploration of why they practice BDSM somewhere along the journey. Be it from repetition or burnout, they forget or lose interest that BDSM is a constant journey, not a destination.

Strategic BDSM asks an unusually clear and direct question about BD, DS, SM, and fetishism: Why? BDSM, or more appropriately the desire behind BDSM, is typically regarded by practitioners as instinctual, often unconscious, a force from the id and libido. However, as a lifestyle Switch and Professional Dominant, I do not operate this way. I prefer My sexual acts to lead, not be led by some blind force such as the id or libido. I think incessantly about BDSM: before, during, and after, especially after. I strive to examine why BDSM is powerful, what values I am projecting to make BDSM powerful, and why other players believe BDSM to be powerful. I not only strive to keep BDSM's power intact, but I also strive to use BDSM's power.

The most important thing we can produce while examining and engaging in BDSM is knowledge about BDSM's potential and effects. BDSM, after all, is one of the most imaginative ways of harnessing and putting to work the energy and power of sex. Mine is sex with a purpose, sex with direction: strategic BDSM.

Describing the attendance of Mike's first public play party, "Playing, no, the playspace, was like this big magnet. It was like the scenes had some form of control over me, but it was this weird kind of control -- I didn't feel violated, just pulled. I wanted to go away with something tangible, but the scene offered nothing material. I didn't want my yearning to end. I could see and feel the players' energy. I didn't play that night, I promised myself I wouldn't, but I got to see, no, to experience, something that I never have before."

Dialogue, critique, sharing of discoveries, and the passing on of BDSM history require a public forum. One-to-one communication behind closed bedroom or dungeon doors is the least effective method of disseminating information, building skills, or sharing ideas. Hence, a great deal of strategic BDSM is happening right here, right now, between you, the reader, and Me, the author: public BDSM. We must continue to use the resources such as the Internet to discover and promote the powerful influence of BDSM when it goes beyond closed doors. You will learn how to be, where and how to play in chatrooms, through hotlines, guides, invitations, advertisements, listings, and web pages, passed hand-to-mouth. For the seasoned player, these interactions constantly change you, renegotiating who you are and how you play.

Strategic BDSM does not offer writing about BDSM so much as it shows writing as sex--the cause for censorship among social convention and many US lawmakers. Those who support the censorship of sex, BDSM, and public displays of such acts, view writing about BDSM as sex, as something dangerous if expressed publicly. You may not wish to accept how others define your BDSM, but as this column will show you, you are playing with a force that often knows its own power by how threatened people are by it.

Public BDSM, like public sex, is often dismissed and censored as a perversion with shallow, selfish motives. To leave the analysis there belies the great anxiety, the sex panic, public BDSM arouses in our culture, which fears the body, power, and sex. We would lose the important analysis of how class, race, gender, and privilege inflect the definition, maintenance, and even challenge of social boundaries of proper/improper.

Ours is a pleasure that requires a collective space. The presence of a willing and knowing audience makes our relationships and us visible to others. Public BDSM spaces maneuver players into something other than our other public identities. The public playspace, the dungeon, the alley, the leather bar, the sex club, Folsom Street Fair, is an asset, an accumulation of techniques and scenarios. We are all apprentices to the space. Our fetishes, our toys are fields of possibilities among bodies, hands, and holes.

BDSM does not make us whole but we make each other the scene on which the practices particular to our BDSM spaces are enacted. Many look for sex and BDSM to be the expression of their fullest being. I question, Is pleasure a sign of your privacy and self-possession? Or rather, Is privacy and self-possession a sign of your pleasure? The public BDSM space will expose and see you and your values. Do not think you can use the space of BDSM without being changed by it.

I become different every time I engage in public BDSM. By doing, I make future BDSM encounters possible. I would like to think that I mark the space as much as the space alters me, but I know better. My Western upbringing attempts to push the individual as all-powerful and all knowing. It is through public BDSM that I learn better.

Public display of private realities disseminates information and facilitates change. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. Public BDSM is community building and social reimagining. Like private BDSM, public BDSM is thrilling and depressing, paradoxical and contradictory. Like this column, boundaries are blurred and definitions are messy in public BDSM. Strategic BDSM is about questioning, thinking, and exploring. I will not provide you definitive answers or pronouncements. Rather than resolve, I hope to deepen the journey of BDSM, and, in so doing, inspire more exploration, thought, and discussion. And more BDSM.

Yes, My Lady: Depriving Senses

This holiday season, I was so busy that all I wished for was a quiet moment when things could calm down. On the 20th of December, I traveled to New York City to visit friends, some of my leather family, and some extended family. I also traveled to New York to serve as Visiting Mistress at L'oeil Cache, Manhattan's premiere dungeon and playspace, holding five fully-equipped, beautifully designed, different rooms. I managed to catch a terrible cold in the midst of the freezing temperatures. However, the cold could not stop Me, as I managed to shop, eat, visit Rockefeller Center, play, see a production, and still have time for My clients! On December 28th, I returned to San Francisco only to find boxes of gifts waiting at the post office, UPS, and Federal Express. Furthermore, My San Francisco clients just could not wait for the holidays to be over, as My phone has been ringing non-stop. Take Me away! When I had a moment to rest, what I realized I needed was a scene to take My senses away. I wanted Sensory Deprivation.

Sensory deprivation can be used to achieve different effects -- it can induce a quiet, meditative state, like being in a flotation tank, or it can make people feel frightened and lonely, like being in a punishment cell in prison. It can be refreshing and pleasant for a short time. However, after several hours, it can have strong effects.

When the mind is deprived of input, it begins to invent tasks to work on. I was in sensory deprivation for about 10 hours, and I went through the entire Elton John Greatest Hits Album. If it goes on too long, a person can begin hallucinating. However, this is exactly the effect I wanted. I trusted My dear slave to place Me in our body bag, wrapped in tight rope bondage. We placed ear plugs in My ears, a breathing gag in My mouth, eye-shades over My eyes, and a nose-plug over My nose. I needed the world to go away...to be deprived of touch, taste, hearing, smell, and sight.

The deprivation of touch

Leather mitts are often used to limit the sense of touch, but here's how to do it on the cheap. Everybody has pantyhose -- whoops, I should say, everybody either has pantyhose or has some sissy slut with pantyhose.

I suggest you pull out a pair of black pantyhose and cut off the legs and feet. Give your slave one of the pieces to hold in her/his hand, and then put one of the cut-off feet over the same hand, using duct tape to fasten it in place. Use lots of duct tape and cover the entire hand and wrist. The piece that your slave is holding in her/his hand will keep her/his hand more comfortable. A really savvy bottom will use her/his teeth to get the tape off, so you may need to gag her/him or fasten her/his hand where s/he can't reach them!

The deprivation of taste

You can deprive someone of the ability to taste for a short time by giving her/him something really hot to eat. Otherwise, it's quite delicious to deprive your victim of things that taste good -- for instance, you can feed somebody bland food for a week. Alternatively, you could eat a really nice meal and throw your bottom's entire portion into a blender -- so s/he is eating the same thing you are, but it comes out all brown and disgusting!

The deprivation of hearing

You can mask someone's sense of hearing in a few different ways. You can put a Walkman on your bottom, and put it between stations so that s/he is just hearing white noise. I like to use earplugs -- I like the ones that come in a little carrying case because then I can give them to the bottom as a present. Or, you can make your bottom listen to things she finds unpleasant, like the Barney song. I like Rage Against the Machine: I play with people that don't.

The deprivation of smell

It is difficult to deprive somebody of smell, but you can put Vicks VapoRub on your bottom and s/he will not know what is coming next. If you want to be a nice Top, you can give your bottom something pleasant to smell: an orange or an orange with cloves. Smell triggers many memories for people.

The deprivation of sight

A blindfold is one of the first toys people play with -- blindfolds are a novice Top's best friend. The Top may be fumbling with the equipment, unable to get the knots right, convinced She is ruining the scene. At the same time, the blindfold bottom may be thinking, "Oh, this timing is so great."

Blindfolding someone can also be a punishment. The bottom misses the reassurance of eye contact, and does not know what is going on around her/him. On the other hand, it may be a reward because it reduces distraction. It certainly increases a sense of vulnerability in the bottom.

I recommend that bottoms get their own blindfolds -- you may cry in them, and it is nicer to know that you are only rubbing against your own old tears.

As I came out of hibernation...out of My body bag, My womb, My dear slave stepped forward to try on her latex hood with laces in the back. The front has two layers: the inside is a mask, with cutouts for the eyes, nose and mouth, and the outer layer can be zipped closed to cover her face tightly. I stroked the outside of My slave's head, and then zipped the front closed. Could My slave breathe? Yes, she could breathe through the zipper. I kept My hand on her shoulder and said, "I am staying close because you could get disoriented. I will not leave it on too long, either, because it's hot in here."

Friday, March 23, 2007

Yes, My Lady: Beset by Abjection

Food loathing/adoration/addiction is perhaps the most elementary and most archaic form of abjection. When the eyes or the lips touch the skin on the surface of milk--harmless, thin as a sheet of cigarette paper, pitiful as a nail paring--I experience a gagging sensation, and still farther down, spasms in the stomach, the belly; and all the organs shrivel up the body, provoke tears and bile, increase heartbeat, cause forehead and hands to perspire. There looms, within abjection, within SM, one of those violent, dark revolts of being, directed against a threat that seems to emanate from an exorbitant outside or inside, ejected beyond the scope of the possible, the tolerable, the thinkable.

Those who purport that BDSM is safe, sane, and consensual attempt to maintain cleanliness, health, borders, positions, and rules. However, it is in the very nature of SM to cause abjection; that is, what disturbs order, system, and identity. Be it forced feeding, pie throwing, stuffing (in the vagina, anus, or mouth), or whatever else SM play that people who covet food come up with, I will always remain beset by abjection by all types of SM play with food.

However, there are many players who use food or plants to build the intensity of passion in a partner to match that of a fantasy model or to create desire for a person who otherwise would not be of interest. Many people use SM this way. Rather, many people use food in SM play to make the play/partner of interest. What better way to keep from having to have sex with an ugly bottom than to spread food all over her body? Clean, strict, timely Tops could not compromise their dominant position with such mess. Therefore, it is imperative not to allow the dirty bottom to touch you -- humiliate her, but for god's sake, do not touch her. On the other hand, how about form a 24/7 contract with the undesirable bottom where you feed her until she is huge, and then leave her? It is time to move on to the next wannabe-fat feedee--food's a wasting!

Food-loving bottoms are always stuffing their asses. This is called analipsation. I have tabulated cases in which items were recovered from the rectums of clients of My fellow Dominants. Here are some of the things that have been forcibly removed from human butts: an onion; a 9" zucchini; a potato; an apple; a banana encased in a condom; a turnip; salami; frozen grapes; an 11" carrot; a bottle of syrup; a jar of peanut butter; peanuts with shells; ice cubes and a lemon.

Obviously, these food-stuffers lowered their inhibition before proceeding with analipsation. How could you lower your own inhibitions? Enough to stuff your butt with veggies? You might want to try amyl nitrite, also called poppers, as this seems to dilate arteries and relax the sphincter. Of course, authorities generally agree that the best aphrodisiac is found in good health--not in recreational drugs. Drugs are not recommended for sex or SM. Now, that is all said and done.

I, unfortunately, have one of My own foodaphiles who derives a form of aphrodisia from the type of SM play called forced feeding or stuffing:

I do the pouring into the vomit bottle as fast as I can. Still, it reeks every time. I put My nose near burning incense. I pour the thrown-up food; still the putrid cloud awaits Me when I lift My head back up. All the corpses awaiting autopsies are in this bottle. Thrown-up food from inside you, and there's always more. There's always more of My client. There's always the vegetables left on the plate.

My client loves this scene more than all others. He says, "Nothing causes such reaction from you as this." It makes him feel like shit...like nothing. Abasement. To be forced to eat vegetables until the belly spasms, tears fall, and bile forms. Until the heartbeat increases, causing forehead and hands to perspire. Until one of those violent, dark revolts of being is thrown-up onto his chest...onto his Mistress.

His mother made him eat his vegetables. Let me repeat: his mother made him eat his vegetables. If orgasm is the little death (la petite mort), then vomiting might be the littlest death. How he manages to eroticize this and die a little each time is a difficult task.

It's starting to feel like a chore. Forcing cut-up vegetables, some fresh, some cooked, some from baby-food bottles, down the man's throat until he starts to gag. I feel it, like its an excess, somehow I can't just swallow it anymore. It wants to be kept, immortalized. It wants to be exhibited, to gross Me out. He wants to be kept, his pain exhibited.

It creeps Me out. He creeps Me out. I let the abjected veggies drip into the glass. It could hardly be called vomit. There's no velocity, just gravity. It just drips out of his mouth, sometimes in whole form, as if he hadn't had a chance to chew. It just falls out, like the bottom from underneath Me when I feel like killing him.

I had forgotten how hard it is for him to eat and vomit for an extended stretch of time. I am beginning to notice how different foods affect the viscosity of his saliva, its willingness to flow, its volume. After fifteen minutes, I had to get him a drink of water to wet his drying mouth. One glass of water on one hand, one glass of spit, food, and vomit in the other. I thought to myself, I/he must not confuse the two. I am disgusted with Myself.

"Why did I ever play with this man?" you ask. Why do I continue to play with this man? Because never at any other moment am I absolutely disgusted with someone else and Myself simultaneously at the same time. Nothing makes Me look at what, why, and how I eat quite like him.

Yes, My Lady: Binding of the Mouth

Edge play is erotic role-playing near or at the "edge" of a submissive's or even a Dominant's limits. Often edge play fantasies live in the realm of fantasies that are enjoyable to think about but do not really want to happen to us. But, then a fantasy comes along that just eats at you and eats at you and suddenly the fantasy falls into your realm of the "maybe's" and shortly thereafter, it becomes a definite "yes."

Playing near the edge of fear, isolation, control, and nonconsensuality is hot and the closer to the edge you get, the hotter it becomes. The play might be something that has an element of danger to it, like being gagged. Dominants use gags to render their bottoms speechless, which has a great psychological impact. The gag is a helplessness toy. The closer a certain type of SM play is to helplessness, the more the SM community considers the play advanced, and possibly, edge play.

The use of a gag falls under the type of SM play known as Sensory Deprivation. Sensory Deprivation is an exercise in isolation. By depriving a bottom of her/his speech by using a gag, the Top is releasing the bottom from certain responsibility. During a sensory deprivation experience, which may involve the use of a blindfold and earplugs to deprive the bottom of sight and hearing, the bottom is able to float in the eroticism of the scene. However, the bottom must be secure in the knowledge that the Top is looking after her/him -- the Top having the bottom's safety and care in mind.

For the novice, the sudden loss of speech can be terribly overwhelming. This blockage or interference of speech and breathing through the mouth can be very disorienting and may lead to panic. If you would like to gag your bottom, make sure it is on your bottom's "yes" list too!

A responsible Top can do Her/His best to eliminate physical risks involved when using a gag. However, one cannot eliminate the emotional risks involved. After all, this is part of the attraction to sensory deprivation play like using a gag: you just can't control how the play is going to affect you and why. The emotional risk in using a gag is the unknown factor in edge play. For instance, you do not know how you will react to being gagged, having no access to clear verbal communication, until your Top shoves a gag into your mouth.

Gags are popular items to increase feelings of helplessness but also to stop a person from talking and that is where the "danger" lies. Certain particular gags can present a physical danger to a bottom. For example, the most popular, "the ball gag," is the one shown in bondage photos everywhere. It's usually red or black and has buckles or a strap of some other fastening device running out of either side to tie behind the bottom's head. Although considered to be very sexy as well as functional, this is the type of gag that can flood the bottom's mouth with saliva and cause him/her to choke. The ball gag inhibits swallowing by holding the bottom's mouth open, which causes the bottom to produce more saliva. Since the bottom cannot swallow because his/her mouth is being held open, this is where the danger comes in.

However, if your bottom is a chatterbox, you can gag him/her safely and effectively with one of your scarves, panties, or stockings. Tie a large double or triple knot in the center of the chosen item, and then tie it behind or on the side of your bottom's head. Try not to use your favorite silk scarf for gagging. Silk or nylon hosiery tends to slip and pull the knots very tight -- so tight that you will be unable to untie them to free the bottom. You may have to use scissors to release your bottom, thereby ruining your silk scarf. (If you must use a silk scarf, by all means, use your bottoms!)

Put the knot in the bottom's mouth and tie the ends behind her/his head. Or, place the knot on the side of the bottom's head if you are going to have him/her lie down. The fabric will soak up the saliva. Instant gag! Keep in mind, however, that no gag can stop a bottom from making any noise at all -- grunts and muffled screams will still emerge; so, don't count on your gag enabling you to do heavy pain play while your roommate dozes lightly in the next room!

Gags require special care in selection -- a too-large gag can leave a bottom with a sore jaw, or even choke him/her if it holds the mouth open too far for comfortable swallowing. The part that goes into the mouth must be firmly attached to the part that goes around the head so the bottom cannot swallow or inhale it.

Formal gags include the "bit" or "bar" gag, which is like the bit in a horse's bridle and much less harsh on the submissive's mouth than a ball gag. A pipe gag is a set of leather straps connected to an open section of pipe, which goes in the mouth, holding it open. Talking is inhibited but the mouth is available for other uses. You might want to consider surprising your new toilet slave with some of your lovely urine...with prior mutual consent, of course!

Many advanced players in the scene believe that a responsible Top should avoid using a gag the first few times they play with someone. As a Dominant, you may need ongoing, clear, verbal feedback from a new submissive. Furthermore, a gagged submissive will have trouble expressing a verbal safeword. Therefore, a non-verbal safeword should be negotiated, agreed upon, and verified. One non-verbal safeword is having the submissive hold a ball in her/his hand. If the submissive drops the ball, that means s/he has signaled the use of the safeword: the session has become too intense.

You can bind the mouth, but you cannot bind the spirit! Have fun, play smart, and push your limits.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Yes, My Lady: Client Privilege

Imagine creating a career where you are rewarded love, honesty, passion, and energy because of an amazing client. Imagine finding work so fulfilling, because of the client, that you feel purpose in life, respected, and valued. Now, imagine being that one special client who gives this gift to the professional. Well, then, allow Me to introduce you to Ma'am B.

Ma'am B first gained My attention at a workshop on Slave Training held by QSM (www.qualitysm.org) and taught by Mistress Celeste of San Francisco (www.MistressCeleste.com). There, Ma'am B sat proud in the front row with Her slave sitting quietly at hand. I did not know who She and Her slave were at the time. I, trying to pass as My personal persona, sat quietly in the back row. I went to support My friend, Mistress Celeste, but ended up more intrigued with what seemed to be this troubled couple in the front row. You could tell that this couple had been in the scene for quite some time: everyone at the workshop felt familiar with their presence...and it seemed their problems.

With a frustrated tone, the female partner of the couple and obviously the Top, implored with Mistress Celeste about how to get Her slave to submit...the way She wanted him to submit. Moving to the edge of Her seat, She explained as if she had already a hundred times the problems with their relationship, with their Dominance Submission. Before She could complete Her sentence, however, the male partner of the couple and obviously the bottom, interrupted Her. Silence seemed to have filled the room. Point-at-hand, his behavior spoke louder than Her words. One could immediately tell that he was not submitting the way that he should...the way that She wanted him to submit. I remember feeling compassion for the couple, as I could identify that they truly were trying to get it right. Unfortunately, sometimes Tops and bottoms end up in a power struggle instead of a power exchange. I also remember thinking that if someone could just help them, they might gain success. I smiled to Myself arrogantly and thought that someone could be Me.

Months later when teaching a class on Domestic Discipline sponsored by the Society of Janus (www.soj.org) in San Francisco, I crossed paths with this couple again. There they were, sitting in the front row, quiet, proud, and attentive. I could not help but notice them in this sort-of-interruptive way: while in the middle of lecturing, I walked by them and felt a presence pull Me to stop. I lost My train of thought just looking at them. It was as if I knew then that they were to enter My life somehow. I went on with My lecture, using them as an example and attempted to let their presence fade to the background...for the time being.

Then, one day, in My voicemail box, I heard a voice that sounded pleasantly familiar. It was a woman who explained that she had been to My Domestic Discipline class and she and her partner decided to reach out to Me for help. Before she could finish explaining the problem with which they needed help, I knew it was Her, Ma'am B.

I was so excited to gain the opportunity to assist this couple. My mind filled with ideas and assignments with which I could give them to smooth out their tension. I felt so proud and honored that they had chosen Me out of all the other Professional Dominants in the Bay Area. I could not wait to share with them everything they needed to know. Boy, was I in for a surprise!

For our first gathering, Ma'am B and her partner decided that she should go alone. Both nervous and excited, I met with the longhaired woman. She wore black and Her nails red. Her personality came off so brilliantly, strong and resilient. I could tell that she had left a trail behind in life. She spoke urgently and resolutely about what she saw as the problems with Her relationship. Impregnable, she was able to share deeply while remaining guarded -- and fooled Me into believing that She was somehow being vulnerable. I felt pulled toward Her. She had captivated both My mind and spirit.

What began to appear as a couple wanting counseling ended up as a passionate, willing woman whom truly needed another woman to listen to Her. Granted, She needed a trained, Dominant woman who would know how to guide Her, but She still needed a woman. In this world of hostility toward woman and great sexism, it is very difficult for women to reach out and share with one another. It is especially difficult to realize our potential and share with one another what we have to offer.

Moreover, I star in a theatre where the other players 99% of the time are men. When there is another woman present, she usually plays the role of trainee, the other Dominant, or the other submissive. Rarely do I get to train or dominate a woman alone. Men are significantly present and the majority of the time they want something more from Me than I am willing to give. Sometimes, I am left drained emotionally and spiritually. Many women in My field leave spent, exhausted.

However, once in a blue moon, a shining star comes along, whom without you even realizing it, they enter your spirit and shine. It was if one day I turned around and She was there. And, I noticed it. For every ounce of energy and piece of knowledge that I give and share with Ma'am B, She gives it right back. She gives in this beautifully still, generous way. Seeping in with great respect, Ma'am B leaves Me feeling valued and energetic. I have no doubt that I am doing great work with Her.

Clients like Ma'am B make all the work of Professional Dominance worth it. And, it is only within Professional Dominance where a woman like Ma'am B could reach out and hire a woman like Me.

Yes, My Lady: Mission Mistress

In the last month, I've engaged in juicy conversation with a group of women who are novices to the SM scene. Fearful to try some things on their own, they want to send Me, the Mistress, out on some fantasy adventures. In Mission Mistress, I set off for sex-capades and then report how My adventures go. Like to see Me make your fantasy My reality? Write it down and e-mail it to Me. For this adventure, I set out to schedule a session with a Professional Dominatrix.

I decide not to divulge that I'm a Professional Domina. I realize My desire to experience this session as a novice is moot, but at least I want the Dominatrix to believe that I'm not Her equal. I enter one of New York's Finest Dungeons.

"Do you know what you have in mind?" ask one of the Dungeon Managers.

"I was thinking about some spanking, loss of control, humiliation..."

"Hmmm..." she responds. "I am not used to women coming in and knowing exactly what they want. Usually if women come here at all, it is with a male partner--reluctantly."

(Not what I want to hear! What a way to comfort a new female client by divulging that you're not like most of the female clientele. I also ponder if this is more of a symptom experienced in dungeons rather than with Independent Mistresses. I, an Independent Mistress, which means that I do not work for a house, do not accept clients if they're reluctant.)

The Dungeon Manager gives Me a big leather portfolio full of photographs of the house Mistresses. She also gives Me a questionnaire. There are the rudimentary questions about medical problems and pain tolerance. The next section asks Me to rate My interest in various acts. It's a huge list, including humiliation, sensory deprivation, golden showers, and more. Also, a section lets you pick out role-playing options and what your Mistress will wear.

(This is a big No, No for Me! My Mistress should wear what she wants to wear, and given My limits, she should determine how the scene is going to go...not I. But, this is one of the 'problems' of Pro-Domination: Many clients think that they should be in control because they are paying and it's their fantasy.)

When I finish with the questionnaire, it's all there on paper--My desires tabulated and rated. No one has to do any guesswork, not even I.

A Goddess dressed in a black lace bustier enters the room. With her perfectly lined lips she says, "Hi, how are you?" She's smiling while overlooking My questionnaire.

"I'm nervous," I admit. (It's refreshing to be on the other side of the table.)

She reminds Me that penetration and sexual acts of any kind are illegal and not part of the services provided. She tells Me that My safeword is 'mercy,' but I must use it properly, as in "Mercy, Mistress, please."

The Goddess motions Me to follow Her into another room. She asks, "Would you like to have an enema to start?"

("Don't leave that answer up to Me," I scream silently within Me.) I decide to throw the responsibility back into Her lap, "Whatever the Mistress wishes."

This throws Her for a loop, as She arches Her eyebrows and cocks Her head to the side. She says nothing and leads Me to the 'Medical Room.' The room is mirrored on all walls and the ceiling. There is a white vinyl table with restraining straps in the middle of the floor, and in the corner is a tank of oxygen and an IV stand. She orders Me to get completely undressed, and leaves the room.

When the Goddess returns, She fills an IV bag with bottled water (I appreciate this because I don't want unfiltered water in My intestines). I feel tubing slide inside My ass. She's very gentle and the water pressure is low. I quickly feel Myself filling up, and I say something to that effect.

She laughs loudly and says, "You can take it," reassuring but firm. "Hold it like a good girl."

I try to hold it like a good girl until I feel like I am going to burst. I say, "Mistress, I feel like I have to go." She instructs Me to walk naked through the lobby to the bathroom. When I return to the room, there the Goddess stands with a lovely metal paddle in Her hands.

She runs Her hands up and down My back and legs. She scolds Me, telling Me that I'm being punished for not taking the whole enema bag. The spanking gets progressively harder. My ass becomes so raw and the smacks feel so intense that I'm convinced She must be using the metal paddle already. She whispers into My ear, "Ask nicely for more--I know the good girl wants to."

I think I'm nearing My limit, so I say, "Please, can I have a little more, Ma'am?" She giggles madly and tells Me how cute and well behaved I am. "Whatever pleases the Mistress," I say.

She comforts Me by rubbing My sore ass and whispers, "I didn't get to everything on your list, but I hope you enjoyed your experience." (Although I appreciate the gesture, I didn't expect to get to everything I wanted, but what the Mistress wanted.)

I do think that a session would make a great gift for a friend. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize the session lacked something. The Mistress knew I 'needed' discipline because it was all on paper, beforehand. That's nothing like the moment when a Top puts Me in My place in a scene because She has watched Me in the world and knows just what I need. A 'girl' with instinct and courage can push My buttons. This is the dilemma of sex work, such as Professional Domination: The sex worker cannot really know you, unless you are a regular client. But then again, maybe that's what many clients want: a highly depersonalized, contained interaction. Not I. Mercy, Mistress, please.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Yes, My Lady: Mission Mistress Takes on a Pro-Sub

Just when I had thought that I had given the ladies what they wanted (see last column), this group of 'fearful' novices cooks up an adventure that not even I can resist. Having a session with another Professional Domme intrigued Me, but setting out to hire a professional submissive takes the cake. In case you missed the previous column, as Mission Mistress, I set off for SM-capades and then report how My adventures go. In this column, I set out to schedule a private session with a professional submissive.

Why hire a professional submissive? Hardly any SM literature covers this topic, although much exists on Professional Dominance. Very little advertising in urban smut publications, such as in The Spectator of San Francisco (www.spectator.net), displays the services of professional submissives. Once in a while, you'll come across a Professional Switch advertising Her/His services; however, the 'dominant' part of the services rendered still remains evident as in the title 'switch'.

Of the group of novices with which I share ideas, only one woman knew that such a thing like professional submission exists. Many people can imagine or have seen images of a woman dominating a man under the premise that he has hired Her. However, very few of us have imagined the other way around: a male stranger hiring a female sex worker to beat and dominate her. The image causes many emotions, erotic pleasure probably not one of them.

Why is it tantalizing to imagine a woman beating a man, yet disturbing to imagine a woman offering her submission as a service? Perhaps it is in that we do not see her as in a position of power. Yet in either proposition, the male client still hires the sex worker. In attempt to demystify whatever idea we may have of professional submission, I decide to hire pro-sub so we can see that professional submission, like any other sex work, is still work.

I skim through the local sex drag and find not one pro-sub. Traveling through the Internet, I do come across some professional switches. However, after telephoning four of them, I decide I want to try My luck with a submissive, not a switch. Nothing against professional switches, but I found that these women preferred to dominate and submitted more for the money. The market bears much more money for professional submission than Professional Domination.

I finally gain access to two pro-subs, only through word-of-mouth from a fellow Pro-Domme. I call each worker and interview with them just as I would with My clients. However, I find that the interview is more rigorous. Pro-subs have to screen more diligently because of the safety issues involved in submission. Afterall, she's offering her body over to a stranger.

"Hi, I'm calling about your submission services," I say as if I'm walking on eggshells. I don't know why I'm so nervous.

She inquires, "What are you looking for?"

"I'm a Sadist, and a Dominant, and would like to negotiate a scene with you if you enjoy pain. I'm a very experienced lifestyle player, and unfortunately, I'm finding that I cannot go as far as I desire with My current play partners," I explain. (A good reason to hire a pro-sub.)

"Ah-huh. Very well. I'm a masochist, however, what sort of pain do you like to deliver?" She asks intelligently.

"Well, I enjoy very restrictive bondage in humiliating positions, OTK spanking, paddles, canes, flogging, cat...I enjoy beating butts! I also love clamps and clips of all sorts, placed all over the body. I would need permission to mark and hurt you. Truth be told, since this is probably that only time that I will hire a pro-sub, I want to be able to achieve what I haven't been able to in My private play...which is that I want to beat you down," My story enfolds.

"What are your limits as a Top?" She demands.

"I don't desire to do something that's nonconsensual. I also won't engage in play that's harmful...hurtful, yes, but harmful, no. I won't engage in the exchange of bodily fluids. I also require that we play with safewords and respect your limits. I desire respect and trust. Finally, I don't want you to swear at Me...you can swear, but don't call Me names." (Go gently Mistress...I mean, My slave.)

Our conversation continues for about another fifteen minutes. We cover the basics, like health concerns, limits, desires, fantasies, and then, she finally accepts Me as a client. Whew! What a process.

I am told to go this popular corner in the city and telephone her from a public payphone. I do and she guides Me over to her play space. It is a clean, small apartment lightly glowing with candles. To My delight, she greets Me at the door on her knees, already collared. She is ready. But, am I?

I fumble, and frankly, panic. I suddenly feel like I don't know what to do. I have been Topping for over ten years and now with a bottom on her knees before Me, I can do nothing more than hesitate!

She remarks, "Are you okay, Ma'am?"

"Well, yes, but can we talk?" I plead.

She stands and guides Me to the playroom while holding My hand. (How sweet.) Nevertheless, I can't help but notice her plump, voluptuous, sweet, nude bottom as I follow behind her. Suddenly, there's nothing wrong or fearful anymore.

I jerk her body back toward Me and throw her against the wall. Her head bobs forward slightly, her eyes lowered in submission, and with her lovely pearly whites, she signifies that she knows our scene has begun.

We hardly talked the whole two hours. Yes, I hired her for two hours not knowing how the scene would go. The scene was amazing. She honored Me with her submission and access to her body, spirit, and energy. I honored her with $600 plus tip, My passion, and My loyalty. I guess this won't be My only time hiring a pro-sub.

Yes, My Lady: The Power of the Exchange of Power

The exchange of power is at the heart of present-day, constructed, consensual sadomasochism, dominance and submission. Supporting this assertion is the assumption that the parties engaged in the exchange of power are attempting to come to the exchange as equal parties; that is to say, all subjects see and respect one another as equal human beings. Furthermore, the assumption exists that the parties wish to engage in the transfer (or exchange) of self-power to enhance sexual fantasy and reality. At the core of the exchange of power is an attempt to lose power and/or control for one subject, known as the bottom/submissive, and to gain power and/or control for the other party, known as the Top/Dominant. In order to understand the process of the exchange of power, and furthermore, the ramifications of such an act, I will examine these assumptions and what is involved in the exchange of power itself.

In The Art of Sensual Female Dominance: A Guide for Women, Mistress Claudia Varrin defines power exchange as the "empowerment of the female by the submissive's surrender of control to her (p. 223)." Thus, a bottom must be willing to give up control in order to empower the Top (a female in this example). We may also assume that the Top in this example would not be empowered should the bottom not concede control. Given this assumption, one could argue that the bottom comes to this agreement with more power than the Top because without the surrender of the bottom's control, the Top has no power or is not empowered. The Top seems to be the passive recipient of the outcome of the act of the bottom. To make the exchange of power successful, it is the bottom who actively participates.

Next, inherent in the exchange of power between two or more parties for the benefit of sexual (and/or spiritual, physical, psychic) fulfillment is the awareness of one's own and each subject's power. To those who oppose the practice of SM, this is what is so threatening about BDSM, D/S. Most subjects in the United States, particularly those who purposefully do not engage in SM, are not aware of their own power. Furthermore, they do not want to tap into their source of power, particularly for sexual fulfillment. They see power as inherently dangerous and damaging. They especially do not believe that sex and power should mix; power should remain outside of the bedroom, if you will. Power is not seen as sexy, safe, sane, or consensual.

To the SM practitioner, power is sought and meant to be played with; queered, if you will. Power is seen as sexy, enlightening; it is believed to be exchanged safely, sanely, and consensually. To those who oppose SM, power cannot be exchanged, toyed with, or controlled. Power most definitely cannot exist for the consensual benefit of all parties involved (including those parties not involved, but related to the parties engaging in SM).

My analysis of the exchange of power differs greatly from every other SM writers: for example, in SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, SM practitioner Jay Wiseman explains that the reason why people are against SM is that they simply do not understand SM. Moreover, Wiseman attempts to demonstrate that if SM practitioners could just educate people about what is truly involved in SM, then somehow these people would come around to our way of thinking; see the light, if you will. However, I completely disagree with this line of thinking. The philosophy and practice behind anti-SM precisely understands what is involved in SM -- they do not agree with the exchange of power. They do not concur with power. They can only see what damage the use and abuse of power has done. Power, using it, seeing it, taking responsibility for it, causes them shame, contrition, and remorse. No amount of SM education is going to relieve or change their negative experiences of and reactions toward power.

Furthermore, it is no coincidence that many of the SM community have privilege: be it white privilege, class privilege, urban privilege, and/or male privilege. Through privilege and experience, SM practitioners are able and willing to tap into what Varrin calls their "internal well of power." The major difference between SM and non-SM practitioners is that SM people tap into their internal well of power; they look more freely at their sexual behavior and fantasies. Where SM players try to figure out how to deal with powerful sexual urges and desires in a safe and realistic manner, non-SM people steer away form having to admit and look at their sexual urges and desires. SM players devise rules in attempt to control and contain these powerful desires. As Wiseman asserts, "they 'ritualize' how these urges will be expressed (p. 16)." Whereas, people who are consumed by the threat of SM, I assert, ritualize how these urges will be avoided and denied.

In conclusion, SM, the exchange of power, is the exploration of controversial and risky sexual activities. It is experiencing what, in On the Safe Edge: A Manual for SM Play, Trevor Jacques describes as "things we know few people have had the privilege to see or in which they've been able to take part (p. 18)." In the United States, most lawmakers see to it that we will remain among the few who have had the privilege to see or take part in the exchange of power: in some U.S. jurisdictions, the exchange of power between consenting adults is illegal. Furthermore, many people in positions of power in the U.S. attempt to avoid and deny the presence of SM: recently, the State University of NY (SUNY) Albany has come under attack for allowing a student club called The Power Exchange to be organized to educate college-age adults about SM and fetish practices. The Power Exchange is a discussion-only group that was created by students for students. Imagine something so powerful, so threatening, that discussion only of it comes under attack. Know the force of conscious, consensual exchange of power.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Yes, My Lady: A New Slave

When I start training a new slave, I usually begin with a collaring ritual, no matter what identity or role the bottom occupies. I hold a very large Domain that can contain many types of subjects. Therefore, I seek to make the collar suit the subject: for the slave, a heavy chain collar. The collaring ritual is the ultimate symbol of the Dominance/Submission agreement. It enacts and fortifies the agreement between Mistress and slave. Place the collar ceremoniously around the slave's neck when you commence playing to denote that s/he is yours to command and will remain that way until you remove the collar.

Before I collar anyone, I ask the subject to kneel before Me in the most graceful and/or submissive position s/he can imagine. After I take time to appreciate the position, whose offering tells Me a lot about the subject, I put the subject in the position that I find most pleasing and appropriate. I then ask what the person thinks it means to wear a collar. After I consider the response, I speak of what it means to Me, and thus now, as well to the subject. I tailor My collaring ritual to each subject, and once in place, it's the same every time. The ritual starts by Me asking the subject to tell what it means to wear My collar. Over time, I expect the slave to memorize My collaring ritual:

1) Wearing The Mistress's collar is a symbol of the slave's submission and our agreement. It doesn't make the slave submissive, as submission is a voluntary gift. It doesn't automatically mean that The Mistress owns the slave.

2) While wearing The Mistress's collar, the slave is to listen to The Mistress and to obey The Mistress to the best of her/his ability.

3) The slave will do as s/he is told to please and to serve The Mistress without hesitation.

4) If The Mistress is not pleased, the slave will accept graciously and with humility any consequences, training, and/or punishment The Mistress deems appropriate, and the slave trusts The Mistress to be appropriate.

5) While the slave is wearing The Mistress's collar, The Mistress is responsible for the slave, and will do Her best to make sure that no harm befalls the slave.

6) Only The Mistress can remove the collar.

After completing this portion of the ritual, I ask if there are any questions. I address each question, tailor the ritual, and then ask if the subject can abide by My rules. If the answer is yes, as it by this time most always is, I place the collar around the subject's neck as s/he kneels before Me.

I find, with most subjects, that doing this ritual every time we play sets the stage and the tone for our interactions. At the end of the scene, I usually return to our starting position and remove the collar.

While the actual training of a slave encompasses the total person, the sine qua non of a service-oriented submissive is the correct attitude. All slaves should cultivate an attitude of attentiveness. For our purposes, attentiveness may be defined as an overarching awareness of one's person, surroundings, and circumstances. A slave must cultivate self-awareness, and under tutelage, awareness of My needs and wishes. Furthermore, a slave should place The Mistress' needs before her/his own.

I require slaves-in-training to keep a written record of their thoughts, fantasies, and experiences. The journal is the property of the submissive but the Dominant may read the journal. Thus, I require the slave addresses the journal directly to Me and follows special written forms.

For example, I require slaves to use the lower case when referring to themselves and to capitalize all references to Me: "Mistress, i am writing this journal as You requested. i hope it meets with Your approval." I find the use of the possessive in reference to Me highly offensive, as The Mistress doesn't belong to the slave. I feel it's more appropriate for a slave to speak of "The Mistress" than of "my Mistress." Holding this pattern encourages awareness of the slave's position in relation to The Mistress. I order the slave to make entries in the journal on a regular basis (once a week is useful). Occasionally, I respond to the entries and expect the slave to note My response.

While in service, I demand use the honorific of "Mistress" when addressing Me. A slave should use it every time s/he addresses The Mistress. I note and correct omissions.

It's inevitable that at some point in training, a slave will make a mistake. If the point of the punishment is correction, then the rule should be, "Let the punishment fit the crime." In general, I punish more severely errors that indicate lack of consideration for The Mistress or behavior that runs counter to the agreed-upon code of ethics for the slave than simple physical mistakes. Errors of the former sort include the following: neglecting proper forms of address, disobeying direct commands, gossiping, arrogance, tardiness, failure to complete a training assignment, disrespect of any kind. I don't tolerate these errors, they are a sign of disrespect to The Mistress.

In conclusion, sharing My protocol for training a new slave serves as an introduction. Many of you have requested guidance on how to begin D/S training. Many of you want to know what I, specifically, expect of a slave. Do note that undertaking the training of a new slave is timely and can be frustrating, if not exhausting. Whatever the reasons why you desire to train and hold a slave, take time in your selection of a new slave. During negotiations, you should have a clear indication if the new slave will be able to fulfill The Mistress's needs before you begin training. The reward in training, while in the act itself given the intimacy and trust that it affords, is often not met until the slave no longer needs training. Great joy can be found in the day when the slave fulfills tasks independently, automatically, and correctly.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Yes, My Lady: Crossing the Perineum

While most of America was watching the Special Victims Unit of Law Order on Friday evening, I was watching my dear friend Wendy open her anus to accept Carol Queen's fist. I spent Friday evening at QSM (www.qualitysm.com) for an Anal Fisting Workshop presented by none other than butt-enthusiasts Carol Queen and her partner Robert Morgan. If you haven't had the honor to meet Dr. Queen (www.carolqueen.com) through her writings or performances, here are the basics: She is Director of Continuing Education at Good Vibrations, the feminist, worker-owned sex store. She holds a Doctorate in Sexology and serves on the Board of Advisors at San Francisco Sex Information, a telephone sex information hot line. Her writings include: Exhibitionism for the Shy, Real Live Nude Girl, The Leather Daddy and the Femme; co-editing Switch Hitters, Sex Spoken Here, and an essay collection PoMoSexuals; and in anthologies Herotica, Best American Erotica, and many more. In addition to these publications, she writes regularly for Spectator Magazine (www.spectator.net) and the East Bay Express, and is a contributing editor of the wonderful erotic magazine Libido. If your fetish is anal play, especially anal fisting, then you best come to know Dr. Queen.

Dr. Queen and Dr. Morgan are the anus of anal expertise. As Sex Educators, they have been presenting the Anal Fisting and other Anal Play workshops for years. Based on personal experience, sex education, and accurate medical knowledge, Carol and Robert on Friday shared information on the anatomy of the anus and digestive system, enemas, anal fisting preparation, and safer sex supplies for anal fisting. In the second half of the workshop, Carol performed her magic by slowly and lovingly diving her small left hand into my friend's anus.

What do you need to know in order to practice this type of intimate and vulnerable play? While I cover the basics in anal fisting, I suggest readers refer to the following literature for more comprehensive cover: Anal Pleasure Health, by J. Morin; The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, by T. Taormino; and Trust/The Hand Book: A Guide to the Sensual and Spiritual Art of Handballing, by B. Herrman.

Anal fisting requires special preparation by both partners. The fistee prepares by cleaning out the lower intestine with an enema, often the day, or at least two hours before the "fisting session." The fister removes any rings and examines the fisting hand for cuts or hangnails. The fister should slip on a latex or surgical glove for safer sex protection.

The Top generously lubricates Her/His hand and arm and the bottom's anus with lubricant, such as vegetable shortening, water-based or oil-based lube. Lube can be entered directly into the fistee's anus with a vaginal applicator, such as those used for vaginal crème to cure yeast infections. Pour the lube directly into the applicator, and then gently push the applicator and the lube into the fistee's anus.

One by one, the fister inserts each finger with the instruction of the bottom. The hand is pushed in fingers first with the tips together in a closed ring fashion. The Top should not insert Her/His fingers until the anal muscles of the bottom seem relaxed. Furthermore, and most importantly, the bottom is always in control. It is the fistee who will determine when s/he is ready to receive more fingers, and finally, the fist. A fisting session should take time (sometimes several hours), gentleness, and trust.

Anal fisting is a very intimate activity that facilitates a tremendous level of trust and bonding between partners. The awareness, gentleness, and trust recommended for all anal exploration are doubly important for safe experimentation with fisting. Relatively few people appear to be able to relax sufficiently to accommodate something as large as an entire hand. For those who can, they often report deeply satisfying sensations of fullness and pressure and describe it as the ultimate experience of receptivity (Jack Morin, Anal Pleasure Health). The turn-on for the Top is usually power and pleasure, with intrigue and excitement by the sensation of exploring deep inside their partner's body.

What you do not want to play with is pain. As a Sadist, I usually would not make such a comment. However, when it comes to anal fisting, there is something wrong if you experience pain. Many experimenters with fisting have not developed the self-awareness necessary for doing it safely. Instead, they rely on drugs, such as poppers, and often use force, sometimes tolerating considerable pain. These problems are intensified when fisting is employed as part of SM play. When this happens, the rough movements that may enhance SM play can increase the risk of physical damage. I need not say that physical damage of the colon or anal canal is not something you want to experience. You will know if you have damage by illness or blood in your stool, if you experience either after or within 48-hours of a fisting session, then go to the nearest hospital immediately.

This was only Wendy's second time accepting a hand into her anus: the first time was with Carol Queen at an Anal Fisting Workshop for the Exiles: a Woman-to-Woman SM Organization in San Francisco. Carol began the fisting session by massaging Wendy's anus and working lube up her. Asking Wendy to barrel down her abdominal muscles, Wendy accepted Carol's finger when she released her muscles. Gently messaging Wendy's anus with large amounts of lube, Carol began to slide two more fingers into Wendy. They were in full communication the whole time: Wendy directing Carol openly and honestly. Carol's every move was slow and purposeful. The trust between these two women was evident in their constant eye contact and verbal connection. Eventually, with deep breathing and strong Kegel-like contractions, Wendy opened herself up to Carol's small hand. There, Carol remained still and silent.

Honor the person with whom you share anal fisting. Honor the vulnerability and intimacy. Bask in the amazement of being inside of someone so special...so full and tender. Anal fisting is an act of love.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Yes, My Lady: Fair, Well?

You learn just as much about your play partner through the process of ending the relationship as you do in the relationship. Most people, unfortunately, do not show just how ugly they can be until the relationship begins to unfold. I wish I could tell you that how your play partner negotiates with you at the beginning of the wonderful relationship will be how (and if) s/he negotiates with you the ending of the not-so-wonderful relationship. It is not so simple or diplomatic. And while there is always the clean, anti-climatic example of a "healthy" break-up that I am sure you could provide, we have all been through very troubling break-ups, and even some of us bloody ones. While many political, out SM practitioners want the world to believe that they are better at doing, and yes, ending relationships, SM practitioners, in the end, are just as messy, ambiguous, and yes, sometimes awful, at breaking up.

"I threw a dual-cassette player at his feet," barks Roberto. "I wanted to throw it at his fucking car, but I could just see me paying him for repairs in court," Roberto explains about his recent break up with his bottom.

"Why would you do such a thing?" I plead.

"The bastard was keeping my cat as ransom. He stole my cat and put him in his apartment. I wanted my cat back," demands Roberto.

"Well, what did your ex-bottom do when you threw the stereo equipment at him?" Need I ask?

"He fucking punched me in my right eye," explains Roberto.

"Oh, my g-d! What happened? Did you get your cat back?" I can't believe how awful the ending of their relationship is turning out to be.

"Yes, he finally gave my cat back," Roberto whines.

This was Roberto's first long-term SM relationship in which He was Daddy and his bottom, boy. Roberto has had many play partners, some that he has picked up at play parties, and others through the 15 Association, a gay men's SM organization in San Francisco. Many consider Roberto to be a sweet, respectable player and person. In the eight years that I have known him, he has only gained my trust and respect. In addition, many of my own friends have played with him, negotiating clearly and maturely complex scenes. However, how do we account for his behavior? Moreover, how could he have dominated such a manipulative asshole?

"And how about you, Desi?" I want more juice about how my fellow players end their SM relationships.

"Ah, I don't think my relationships ended as badly as Roberto's," Desi attempts to explain away the attention brought to Her. We all just stare at Her, waiting. "Well, I had one. It was very healthy and actually, boring. The same way we negotiated into a SM agreement is the same way we negotiated out of our agreement. No drama. It was actually anti-climatic."

Although we all seem a little disappointed with Desi's maturity, we recognize how useful it is to have encouraging examples of relationships. "Well, that is good, Desi. That is how our endings should be. I mean, why can't we negotiate the ending of a SM relationship the same way we begin one?" Why does it have to become so full of drama?" I remark.

Both Roberto and Desi's relationships could have happened to non-SM practitioners, vanilla people. I wanted know what makes these break-ups unique to SM players. Or rather, what makes SM players, or their experiences, unique to break-ups?

I believe the answer lies in the inherently complex, highly intimate relations in which we choose to engage in such a short amount of time. The length of time is possibly the essential element here. In a matter of a short conversation, we will have negotiated and played out, sometimes with a complete stranger, a highly developed hierarchical way of relating, all for the attempt to live out a charged, sexual power exchange. Indeed, it is only within the strict, hierarchical, consensual power exchange that we could share highly intimate, sexual play with someone we just met.

In the matter of a couple of play dates, many SM practitioners will have moved into a more complex SM relationship, where both parties will have negotiated and consented to a more long-term contract of power exchange. They know why and how they relate. This is why having a contract can be so beneficial to both parties. When the contract clearly states the process of how the relationship begins and how the relationship ends, it is possible to have an uneventful, even boring breakup.

So, the contract has come to an end it is time for me to say goodbye. This is the last Yes, My Lady column. Thank you for your readership, input, and spirit.

Love in Leather.

Yes, My Lady: The Art of Pain

It's always the tender, not presumptuous insight of a novice that puts Me in My place. There's always something humbling and innocence about the interaction between The Mistress and a novice. Be it a conversation, such as the one with My regular client, tigger:

"The Beset by Abjection column made me think on a couple of levels. I see you to explore parts of my sexuality that I haven't before, but at a fundamental level I don't understand people that do things that hurt... The idea...[that] a person who is driven to such acts is way out of the realm of my knowledge."

You don't understand people who do things that hurt. To reiterate a common argument among SM practitioners, I'm sure you understand people who play contact sports, like football, hockey, or boxing. Those athletes do things that hurt. They probably do things that hurt more than typical SM play (whatever typical SM play means). Perhaps what tigger doesn't understand are people who do things that hurt while engaging in a sexually charged environment.

I'm a person who trusts Her body as much as I trust My mind. My body serves Me well, learning that My body is more sensitive to My feelings than My mind is. Thus, I can reach feelings through touching, sensation, and yes, pain that are inaccessible to My thoughts.

Thoughts and emotions are often censored. Some things are simply unthinkable. However, on more than one occasion, most of us have found ourselves doing the undoable. This is because whatever the undoable act may be, it feels right to our bodies. Some of My deepest feelings and fears lie clearly in the realm of the unthinkable. I want to feel and know these feelings and fears, an ultimate attempt to know Myself.

Usually the Dominant is also the Sadist -- but not always. Sometimes what I want as a Dominant is a particular sensation, such as pain, delivered in just the right way. Sometimes what the submissive wants is to be of service and provide what the Dominant wants. I enjoy bending kink beyond common convention and getting what I want. Giving or getting a spanking is a sexual turn-on for Me. Imagining giving or getting a spanking is a sexual stimulant. In the Kinsey researchers report, twenty percent (20%) of American men and twelve percent (12%) of American women "report some degree of sexual arousal by sadomasochistic stories." (S-M: The Last Taboo, pg. 5) Such fantasies have been with Me as a sexual stimulant to masturbation and an accompaniment to sex ever since I was a young child. These fantasies didn't appear out of anywhere: rather, they exerted themselves as modifications to the beatings I received from My mother. These fantasies began as a remarkable tool to capture some means of control over abuse. That attempt to capture control resulted in a use of power. Power and the need for power intertwined with My sex life like a beautiful, strong wooden wreath. Moreover, pain and the need to modify and experience pain at My own accord slowly laid the path toward gaining sexual independence through exploring sadomasochism.

My feelings about the actual physical sensation, the whack as opposed to the fantasy, are deliciously ambivalent. When I'm to receive a spanking, I love and dread it, seek and fear it, feel the pleasure and feel the pain. After the spanking scene is over, I feel very open, dependent, independent, clear, and finally, so satisfied.

The play part of discipline scenes most attracts Me. The whole experience of receiving and accepting pain is erotically charged. The desire to be sexual and combative is intertwined. The desire for a violent component in a sexually charged experience can be fulfilled through the more explicit medium of aggressive, violent play. The physical impact of painful play achieves strong adrenaline flow and loving contact.

It's not as if I have an unusual tolerance for physical pain. The pain experienced in spanking is converted into pleasure in many ways. The anticipation of the paddle is pleasurable because the threatened experience is exciting, dangerous, and fearful. The pain itself is tolerable and enjoyable because, when a person is sexually aroused, her/his pain threshold rises substantially. It simply doesn't hurt as the same blows did in a non-erotic situation as My mother punishing Me. Furthermore, one's tolerance for pain rises with exposure. You won't know this unless you expose yourself to several beatings! The security that comes from having weathered one spanking insulates against the next beating.

For SM players to safely stage an erotic, powerful SM scene, it's essential that they trust one another on some level. For trust to develop, it's crucial that the players be honest with each other. Being honest and expressive, sharing one's erotic power fantasies generates trust, which provides the safety within which players can act out SM fantasies. The acting out of SM fantasies becomes the revealing expression of intimate truths. Receiving, accepting pain in a staged SM context eventually contributes to new depths of knowledge, trust, and intimacy of not only one's play partner, but also of oneself. In the process, players become real. It is not unlike the process of becoming Real described in The Velveteen Rabbit. The Skin Horse explains:

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." (The Velveteen Rabbit, Margery Williams, New York: Doubleday, 1958, p.17)

Yes, My Lady: Poundcake

Like so many not-so-submissive bottoms before him, he seemed to tell the story to get a rise out of me. I was used to this game, more of a power struggle than an exchange. However, I wasn't prepared for the topic he dealt this time.

He began with an utterance, "You know, when boys were considered to be coming-of-age, becoming men, around age fourteen in Ancient Greece, or was it Ancient Rome? Anyway, they used to chop off a woman's breasts as a gift to the boy. They would transform her chopped off breasts into a cake-of-sorts. It was called poundcake."

"Lovely," I muttered to myself.

What in the hell did the women have to say about all of this chopping? So little history covers what women wanted, did, or thought, especially about their breasts. Even today, how we see women's breasts is dominated by sexist cultural norms. Little discussion exists of women's breasts as a site of women's erotic pleasure or displeasure.

My reaction to this poundcake topic, "Well, Amazons used to chop off one of their breasts so that they could shoot bow-and-arrow better in order to kill men who would trespass on their land."

Women's breasts are eroticized, objectified, politicized, adored, and hated. Emotions and reactions toward women's breasts range from fear and abjection to obsession and love. I have experienced a wide range of reactions toward My large breasts. I attended a women's college and My best friend feared My breast. She wouldn't hug Me because she hated feeling My large breasts against her body. She explained that she felt suffocated by them. My huge breasts have also been a magnet that attracts the male gaze -- the larger the breasts, the more admiration and annoyance of men. When My breasts do attract the female gaze, it usually is a gaze of disgust, fear, or bewilderment.

What has been Mistress's reaction to all of this attention? Like many women and like many women's breasts, My reaction ranges. I hate when people fear Me because of My breasts. I also dislike when people, mostly men, objectify Me because of My breasts. I would be lying if I said all of this cultural baggage did not affect My own view of My breasts and My pleasure in My breasts.

When do I enjoy My breasts? Hardly ever. When do I enjoy other women's breasts? Most of the time. I know many women who adore their titties and desire a range of breast stimulation. So much about breasts and what the SM world calls "breast play" is left unsaid. That is why it is vital to cultivate excellent communication skills about breasts if you plan to engage in breast play.

How we feel about our breasts as objects of erotic attention is extremely personal, circumstantial, and temperamental. You should not predict breast play preferences by breast size or gender. Most people are very particular about the kind of attention their breasts receive, even if they don't express preference. The most important thing you can do before making assumptions about or touching your lover's breasts is question her on how she feels about her breasts. Furthermore, ask your lover to show you how she enjoys having her breasts stimulated.

For your own breasts, take time to figure out how you feel about them. Breast play isn't only for partner sex. Play with your own breasts. Stimulate them during masturbation: caress, squeeze, knead, slap, twist, pull, pinch, torture, and/or use clamps or other toys on them. If you breasts are large and flexible enough, pull them up to your mouth and such on your own nipples while you stimulate your clit or cock. Also, get to know how your breasts change over your menstrual cycle, if you have one. Breast sensivity changes from day-to-day. My own breasts are controlled by My menstrual cycle. During My period, My breasts swell to their fullest and are extremely painful and heavy: My breasts gain about 5 pounds of water the day before My period is due because of water retention. The changes over a menstrual cycle affect how and when a woman will want breast stimulation. The more you know about your own body and reaction to sexual stimulation, the better lover you will be -- the better you will be able to guide your lover toward your own sexual fulfillment.

When you know what you want when you want it, show your partner exactly what you like on that given day. Allow the exhibitionist in you run a gambit. Play with your breasts as you would have your partner touch you. Take your lover's hand in yours and show her/him what you want and how and when you want it. There are times, usually after My period, when I like rough play with My whole breasts and nipples. I want My breasts to be slapped, sucked, licked, and beaten with a plastic whip exactly under My nipple where My breasts are heaviest. Sometimes, I can reach orgasm from prolonged nipple stimulation alone, usually slow, deep sucking.

As much as I have come to enjoy breast stimulation over time, there was a time when I wished that I could have skipped breast play entirely. Like many survivors of sexual abuse, I didn't enjoy breast stimulation at one time. However, due to fear and low self-esteem, I couldn't communicate this to My lovers. Like many women, I learned to see My breasts not for My enjoyment, but rather something to attract men and for their pleasure. I never said no to breast stimulation because I thought that stance would be unacceptable or uncomfortable. For years, I would cringe when My lovers would go for My breasts before stimulating the rest of My body. If any of this sounds familiar to you, please embrace your right to dislike your breasts and any attention to them. What SM play has taught Me is My right to eroticize other body parts and to fetishize objects and My right to ignore others.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Yes, My Lady: La Dama Domina: an Introduction

to My column and the newest addition to the bondage.com website. I am
Domina Lady, a well known and respected Lifestyle and Professional
Dominant, residing in San Francisco, California, USA. I am a skilled SM
artist and sexually dominant woman who is plainly passionate about BDSM
and fetish. I will be visiting with you, the bondage.com community, on
a biweekly basis to share My private life and experiences as a
Professional Domina and to discuss BDSM from a Professional Domina's

What makes this column unique from the other columns
at bondage.com? Pace provides the updates and on-goings at bondage.com.
Aiken, the world affairs from a BDSM perspective - and silkenluv, she
offers information on BDSM from her own unique perspective as a
submissive. I bestow the inner workings of Professional Dominance and
the private life of a real Domina. There is a voyeuristic fascination
with what lies behind the leather curtain - the private life of the
Dominatrix. We seem to be an outlandish, taboo, reserved bunch. I am
one in a shadow industry, only mentioned in fiction, the media, and
whispers. Yet, through My craft I contribute toward changing lives by
facilitating deeper self-understanding. How does tying people up and
beating on them produce this, you ask? By providing a space of freedom
where clients are free to be the person that society shames them for
being. SM and the Professional Domina can provide an often-profound
experience. Many clients share with Me their closely held secrets and
passions. It also takes courage, trust, and vulnerability to come and
submit to Me. These are all traits that I hope to inspire in people. It
is through relating with Me and submitting to Me that clients are able
to discuss their desires, fantasies, and fears in a compassionate
space, which only leads to self-examination and personal growth.

this column, I will cover a gambit of content that I believe will
hearten self-examination, education, and joy: from actual accounts of
My professional sessions that cover what type of behavior I and other
real Dominants reward to exclusive interviews with other Professional
Dominants, Switches, submissives...and even clients. You can look
forward to reviews and accounts of BDSM classes, fetish events, and
play parties. I will also provide instructions on "How-to" engage in
certain BDSM acts from a Professional Dominant's perspective, how to
use certain types of equipment, and how to find a professional Dominant
that is right for you.

Occasionally, I will elicit questions from
you to which I will answer in My column. What kind of questions do I
wish to receive via e-mail from you? Questions about Me, Professional
Dominance, BDSM, a particular type of play, toy, equipment, and/or
ideology. I also desire that you interact with Me and make suggestions
on content. What do you desire to learn from and read about a
Professional Domina? I will appreciate messages that offer suggestions
that are related to Me, Professional Dominance, and/or BDSM from a
professional perspective. I have already chatted with some of you in
the bondage.com community, in the BDSM-net hosted by bondage.com in
conjunction with Handcuff.com, and many of you have kindly asked for me
to cover a variety of BDSM issues, such as safety, toy use, real life
experiences, legalities, the lifestyle, and the non-obvious sides to
BDSM. I thank you for this input, as this column is much like a SM
scene: it takes both parties to make it work. Your contribution as one
who provides suggestions on content is imperative...Domina Lady says
so! Thus, this column will only be as interesting and informative as we
both make it.

Overall, the life force behind My column is,
indeed, Me...about Me. My profession has placed Me in the role of being
an emotional and sexual trail guide. I am a very unique, special Domina
and member of the SM community. I hold a graduate degree from a New
England university and have traveled worldwide for pleasure and
erudition. I have even been caught by a crewmember in the middle of a
scene when on a twenty-one hour flight to Beijing, China. More to come
on that later! How did I become a Professional Dominant, you ask? After
playing both privately and publicly for several years, I began to
ponder Professional Dominance because so many of the women whom I
respect in the SM community are Professional Dominas. While I sat on
the board as the Archivist of the oldest and largest BDSM women's
organization, the membership was notoriously professional. I have spent
much love and labor theorizing and writing about sexuality, BDSM,
power, sexual minorities, and the sex industry as an academic scholar.
I had even worked as a Labor Organizer, organizing the only sex
workers' union in the country. Thus, My passion for scholarship and
organizing has always gravitated toward sex work, sex workers, and
sexual "deviants." Professional Dominance seemed to be one of My many

While coming to Professional Dominance was
highly a brain activity, I would be lying if I denied the physical
attraction to My profession. I am a highly predatory Top who has always
desired to learn anything and everything that I can about BDSM.
Professional Dominance has allowed Me to learn more about BDSM than all
My years as a Lifestyle player. Lastly, Professional Dominance is a
highly physical activity for Me: I need the sweat, the organization, to
employ My skills, and the journey to that edge we call BDSM.

Welcome to Yes, My Lady, I look forward to interacting with you on a biweekly basis. Best to you and great pain.

Thursday, March 15, 2007


Assuming you have submissive fantasies, you could realize a part of it by doing things your partner would appreciate, like getting his/her coffee, take out the garbage, or other things you know your partner dislikes to do himself/herself. Please notice this: most women don't want their partner to interfere with the housekeeping without asking. It might be better to deliberate first. This might make both of you feel good, maybe even good enough to grow into D/s.

It is a way to stay close to your own feelings as well as those of your partner. From that point you can build together. Remember that submissiveness is mostly between your ears, it's what you make of it, the way you feel about it, and not always the things you do. Getting coffee can feel special to you, while your partner just thinks about coffee, but hey, if it makes you feel good, who cares?

It's not that easy to start simple when you're a masochist, for slight pain may not satisfy you. You could propose to your partner

to squeeze your nipples while having sex or to work your back with his/her nails. Perhaps there are some more possibilities that don?t scare your partner off immediately.

It?s important you take off slowly, remember you?re having your fantasies for quit some time, where your partner is only starting to learn how to walk along the road. Finding out the possibilities you have together to realize (some of) your feelings, makes it a trip for two. Kick off immediately and you will leave your partner far behind, even if they want to walk together, going that fast will make it impossible.

Having dominant fantasies will give you more trouble to realize them. Especially when you?re thinking about mental domination, you?ll be on walking on thin ice. You have to make clear that you still respect your partner and his/her feelings, even though you want to humiliate him/her. Only few people admire the status of a doormat, so be careful on this.

Putting your partner in a submissive role might bring up negative feelings; humiliation, pain, obedience, powerlessness are all loaded terms that won?t take you where you want to go. You might make a start by taking his/her wrists during sex; restricting your partner in a way you can easily go back on when needed.

You can play with your partner; turn him/her on and on but stopping just before he/she reaches an orgasm; to go on with something completely different, which he/she doesn?t expect. You can add some other elements, like squeezing nipples, working with your nails, teasing and so on.

Playing games like this you get accustomed to your partner and his/her reactions and responses. You will learn to read his/her body language. Give your partner a full body massage; you?ll be amazed by the result.

It may seem as though those things have nothing to do with BDSM. The point is that you?ll find another way to deal with your partner and your relationship, which you wouldn?t have thought about before. You?ll be more aware of each other, each other?s feelings and needs, it will make a difference to your relationship, and you?ll both grow. It will get you closer to each other; make trust and respect sensibly better. And that will take obstacles away.

Experiments like these might open your partner?s mind for a good conversation about BDSM and the way you feel about it. When you feel no resistance during the experiments, no panic, you could refer to that during your conversation, by telling him/her that playing games like that means a lot to you.

No matter how you bring the message, most important is to keep in mind that you are already halfway down the road you want to walk together. Walking that road together, discovering the wonderful world that?s called BDSM, means you?ll have to give your partner the space and opportunity to discover it at his/her own pace; finding out what it can do for the both of you and your relationship. You live long enough to spend some months together on this. Your patience will be paid back when you give your partner the opportunity to accept his/her feelings about BDSM.

BDSM and a Vanilla partner

BDSM is a part of me, therefore a part of my life. It's just a part, not my whole life, but it is a part deep inside. It was a part of me when I was a child; it only grew during my life. Those feelings are part of the person I am, I can't turn them off, I never found the switch to do so. Once discovered, it will always be a part of you which is impossible to neglect, it will never leave your life.

Denial of those feelings would be denying a part of who I am. It doesn't mean it's always easy to accept those feelings. Accepting yourself the way you are, might take years, some will never be able to accept themselves. Discovering those feelings happens at any age, some, like myself, seem to know it from when they were a little kid; some discover the feelings when they're already in a long-term relationship. The discovery may turn your life upside down, especially when you're in a relationship with a partner who doesn't share your feelings. It may give you a very hard time accepting those feelings and telling your partner about it.

You won't know in front how your partner will react. There is a chance of course you both are into BDSM and you might be the first to start talking about it. In that case it is possible your feelings are not compatible, but it should give you a base to talk about BDSM together.

It may seem like your partner doesn't want to know about your feelings, keep in mind that the way you feel about BDSM may not be the same image your partner has about it. The 'facts' you find in media are not always what the inside looks like, but those are the only facts people know about it. So you might scare him/her by telling you're into BDSM, not knowing in front what he/she knows about BDSM. Besides this is the insecurity your partner may feel about the role you might have planned for him/her, together with the fright of whips and other toys.

You cannot be careful enough, telling about your feelings when you want your partner to be part of your fantasies. It will help you to read your way into BDSM, gathering as much information as you can, to make up your mind and find the answers to the questions you and your partner might have. Knowing your fantasies and possibilities, will make communication less difficult, for you will be able to explain what you want, instead of just saying: "Listen love, have you ever heard about BDSM? That's what I want to do." That would scare them off for sure.

Putting things like bondage in a more common way than just your own relationship might help you to get a clue about the feelings of your partner. Maybe you'll have the opportunity to talk about restriction during sex instead of: "Love, I just want to throw you on the bed and tie you up, so I can do anything I want to." Or: "I want you to spank me until I won't be able to sit properly tomorrow." I am a person who stands for honesty and clearness, but sometimes carefulness is even better.

Keep in mind that you might be through the process of coming out, but your partner is only at the beginning of a journey through the wilderness. It's not fair to expect them to understand you and BDSM from day one; you may expect some respect though. It will be your responsibility to show them where to find information, other opinions, to make clear what it is you want them to understand. It will take more than one day to make yourself clear and understood. Giving your partner an opportunity to understand or even recognize your feelings will make you benefit from it.

It's far easier for me to tell you the things you shouldn't do. Telling you what you can do best is impossible, for every person is different. I expect you know your partner best, you know best how to comfort him/her. Start at the beginning, pick the most important ingredient BDSM has to offer you and find out if there is a way to accomplish it within your relationship.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Intro, part II

Dominance, what is it really? What makes you Dominant? Looking from the outside at a BDSM-relationship, it seems like you?re Dominant when you decide what your sub is going to eat for dinner, what clothes he/she wears, what he/she does during the day or night. You?re not asking any questions, you give instructions, for you are Dominant, and so you are the one in charge.

Looking at your relationship that way is quit shortsighted. You will never become really close to one another acting like that. Sure, you?ll have a clear differ in power, but is it really what you?re looking for? The power of a Dominant is just the cover, the packing. It can be a very important ingredient of your relationship, but at itself it won?t give you enough carrying capacity for your relationship.

I can hear your thoughts: yeah sure, take a hike! But let me explain what I mean with those words. Imagine: you see a slim woman wearing a super tight, sexy latex dress. Put that same super tight, sexy latex dress on a woman weighting over 200 pounds. What makes the look? You still see the outside, which is the super tight, sexy latex dress, but the contents make you look twice or the other way.

Keep this image in mind and let?s go back to Domination. The instructions you as a Dominant give, the rigour; it?s all outside, comparative to the super tight, sexy latex dress. But it?s the content that really matters; what makes you look twice or the other way. The packing itself is nothing more than a bit of rubber containing much air.

Dominance in a BDSM-relationship goes a lot further than the packing. Giving self-centred instructions is called arrogance, not Dominance. It will make your sub react like: Who do you think you are, telling me what to do? We shall see whether I?ll do it or not! I guess that?s not the reaction you?d love to see. Maybe your sub will do as you say, just because he/she want it him/herself, or he/she just wants to obey. But it won?t last forever, because the reason why your sub responds has nothing to do with you.

Your relationship will get more intense when you really are interested in your partner; when you find out what your partner thinks, feels, wants, not wants or not (yet) able to try. Get to know your partner to the bone, so that you can see and know what he/she feels even with your eyes closed. If you are able to tell and feel what your sub wants, you can start to play with this information. Your sub gives you a package filled with information, from which you pick whatever you like at that moment to play with. The way you play is comparable to the super tight, sexy latex dress I mentioned before. But what you do settles your Dominance. Your sub will feel respected, your interest; it will strengthen the trust he/she got in you.

With the information you gathered this way, you can play; you can manipulate him/her, push his/her limits or let him/her step over them. That?s different from commanding or ordering, though it might look the same from the outside. Okay, it?s intense, it requires attentiveness, flexibility and a very good communication, but it?ll pay you back. BDSM like this is an advanced way of being interested in each other, get to know each other at every level, even the deeper, to play with one another.

Believe me, this isn?t a One-Way street. You will get to know your sub, but he/she will get to know you as well. This makes your sub able to try to influence you, challenge you until you are dancing together, tasting the field of power exchange, visualising it all. That?s what lifts up Dominance from the packing look of instructing and commands.

Manipulation and mind playing is best done by heart. That?s the power of a good Dominant. I dislike the word experienced, for it?s a worthless word. Experience has nothing to do with quality. You can do something by heart, without experience, that will never be matched again. (Even Dominants can surrender, although they do it in a different way subs do.)

Another comparison: Imagine a nice piece of wood. You need some technical knowledge to shape it without damaging it, make it worthless. But technical knowledge isn?t all there is. Technical knowledge on its own will leave you with a cut piece of wood, nothing more. Imagine piece of wood, shaped by heart, with a little technical knowledge, enough to know how to handle a knife without hurting yourself, you can get a nice piece of art. It shows you worked at it by heart. Of course you will get experienced after a while, which enables you to get the best from a maimed, bent piece of wood. But it will be made by love, not by technical knowledge.


It's not that easy to explain what it is, practicing BDSM, to those who don't know what you're talking about. I'll give it a try anyway.

I'm Ingrid, a dominant female. This means I like to give my boyfriend, who's my sub, a great time in the way I desire. I love to see him respond on the things I do to him. It's my kink to see him enjoy the things I do, to feel the trust he's giving me by letting me do all that to him. It's a thrill to feel his body against mine, curled like a child in my arms, after a good play. There aren't words enough to express the feeling it gives me.

What does this have to do with BDSM? Well, reading the above it could fit in any relationship you mention, a lot of people will recognize the feelings I described. The difference is made by the way I give my boyfriend a great time, the rules we both set about it and all the words we spent on talking about it.

I don't look at myself as a sadist, just because I don't like to whip, wax or bind no matter who. The whip itself means nothing to me, it only gives me a thrill because it makes me think about the good time I'll give Paul with it next time we'll be playing together. It's the instrument, together with the thought about the next scene with that special person which makes me shiver.

According the books I am a sadistic woman, because hurting someone excites me. Even so Paul is a masochist, for being hurt excites him. That sounds frightening, but it isn't, really. Pain is a strange phenomenon, sometimes it's lovely, but most of the time it isn't that great at all, it just hurts. Hurt is something Paul knows too; he doesn't enjoy the dentist or bumping his head. Even when I would whip him all of a sudden, he wouldn't like the feeling it would give him.

What's it all about? It's the setting, the atmosphere we create, Paul giving himself to me, the thrill it gives me, the excitement, building up a scene, making a single stroke with a whip feel exciting, tickling the nerves in a positive way, turning us both on.

I've written a story for Paul (Coming home), which I haven't translated yet. For those who understand Dutch, it's available (De thuiskomst), in the Dutch section of this site. It's about a scene, shows the feelings the sub has during this scene. I wrote the story with the sub as main character, because it's the way he feels and responds turning me on. I'm working on translating it right now; it will be available as soon as I'm finished.

Being together like this, aware of each other and each other's feelings, are the basics of our very strong, deep relationship in which love and care for each other are most important. It's the way we both are happy with, we both desire, we both made true. It could influence your thoughts, the way you act, while you're shopping or driving your car. It's in your nerves, from head to toes. It's expressed in small things, a movement, a look on his face, a chain, making you thinks about a former scene or creating settings for a scene yet to come.

BDSM is a part of me, therefore a part of my life. It's just a part, not my whole life, but it is a part deep inside. It was a part of me when I was a child; it only grew during my life. Those feelings are part of the person I am, I can't turn them off, I never found the switch to do so. Once discovered, it will always be a part of you which is impossible to neglect, it will never leave your life.

I've accepted those feelings and I'm lucky I've found someone to share them with. We don't only share our love for BDSM, we share a lot more, we're partners, friends, pals, lovers, with the same hobby: BDSM.

I know I have someone next to me, who takes me the way I am, supports me all the way, with whom I can be myself, with whom I am happy, sharing my life. Paul, thank you for all you're giving me, it means more than I can say to me.