Monday, July 2, 2007

Yes, My Lady: Potency & Allure of the Femme

As She glides into the crowded room, the energy of the room seems to shift undiscernibly. A head turns here, conversation stops there; space and time seem suspended just a bit. You cannot help but notice Her. There's something quietly commanding and charming about Her. This is the mysterious power and intangible effect of the Femme.

We've all had experiences like this. You know Her when you see Her. You are this woman, you want to be this woman, you want to serve this woman or you absolutely detest and fear this woman. She is the Femme.

Some of you've approached me, complimenting on my latex dress or thigh high boots; really wanting to say, "I want to be like you." It isn't in the dress or boots. Unfortunately, many women mistake SM imagery of the sexually dominant woman for the essence of Femme power. Thus, they look for simple explanation on being the empowered dominatrix. Some of you've written: "How can I bring out the Dominant Woman in me?" Many women write to me initially with the idea of learning how to dominate their partners, seeking some series of techniques that'll turn them into tigers in the bedroom. They come seeking the panacea of kink to improve their sex lives, but soon realize that what they've been searching for is how to build the foundation towards actualizing their inner feminine power.

It's no wonder that so many novices desire to hold the allure of a seasoned Femme. Femmes shift energy by our mere presence. We break and heal hearts with a single glance. Poets call us muse and succubus. Some religions have damned us or honored us as Witches. Hollywood of old called us Femme Fatales. I call us Femmes.

The heart of Femme potency is simple, but far from easy or formulaic. It is confidence. When asked what one quality that I believe outstanding dominants have to possess, confidence is essential whether we are talking about accuracy with a whip or not having the need to micromanage a submissive. The art of Femme and the art of domination are opposite sides of the same coin.

It's the confidence that allows the Femme to know that she's a sexual being, fully deserving of pleasure and joy. In turn, it's the confidence to ask without bitterness or fear such pleasures she rightfully deserves. It's the confidence to know that she's an artful culmination of natural beauty and consciously cultivated grace. She is confident and knowing of the effect that she has on others. The alluring Femme knows that she can touch a lover's heart and soul to find strength where there was only despair. She also knows that she can destroy that very same heart and soul beyond repair. Her fire can warm the hearth as well as burn the forest down. This knowledge is the first step towards harnessing the Femme. Those who haven't acknowledged their effects leave a trail of wounded hearts and destroyed lovers. Some women do not accept their feminine power because they fear the responsibility of such potency. Often, low self-worth is responsible for not actualized Femmes denying their gift. We are dealing with a society that both covets and loathes the Femme; thus, every untapped Femme must come to terms with internalized misunderstanding of and fear toward her feminine power.

No instructions on female domination can teach such confidence that leads to the uniquely sexy allure of the Femme. No amount of classes on flogging and bondage techniques can create the powerful Femme. No amount of leather, corset, latex, boots, or other fetish accessory will make a woman sexually self-actualized. These skills and adornments can serve to enhance her. They may even peripherally help her towards greater confidence. The strong foundation of confidence necessary to actualize the alluring Femme can only come from within her. Only after building for herself a strong foundation of Femme power identity and confidence can sexual dominance and Femme allure be truly effective. As I said before, the essence of Femme allure is simple, but certainly not easy.

Take my path toward Femme self-actualization, for example. An underprivileged background, sexism, racism, classism, heterosexism, and low self-worth caused me to both desire and deny my feminine power during my teenage years and early 20s. I both coveted and disrespected the Femmes in my life. As a closeted Femme, I could see and feel the effect I had on people, especially those who were most attracted to me, wherever I journeyed. However, I always denied that I was truly the cause of whatever experience, shift, or power. It's often most difficult to see in ourselves admirable and powerful qualities. Because I, like most women, was discouraged from being self-congratulatory, I never fully developed my own image of power, but felt safer in admiring the power of others. I most admired the power of sexually dominant women, particularly Lifestyle and Professional Dominants. At the heart of their Femme potency was the ability to ask for what they want, get what they want, and get pay for bestowing their gift. As I participated in the SM community and practiced the arts of SM, I began to develop some of the skills and adornments that would help serve to enhance my confidence. However, it was only working as a Professional Dominant that pushed me over the edge toward actualizing my alluring Femme. The daily practice of Professional Dominance led to greater confidence and forced me to accept my power and my Femme identity. I have taken years to build a strong foundation of Femme power identity and confidence. Without this experience, my dominance, presence, and power would never be truly effective. Today, I enter my sessions and private scenes with confidence that I'm going to make magic.

Check back for next column when I interview a man who consumes Professional Domination because it's one of the only spaces in our society where he can hope to experience, and finally acquire, the allure and potency of Femme.

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